Metamorphosis
by Sombereyes
Summary: The only thing I've ever wanted back then, was to reach my hand out to a foggy mirror. The way I had it figured, If could wipe away the mist, I could find myself. That way I might be able to finally see the one thing I've always wanted. -Transgendered fiction- Romance/Angst/Drama/Tragedy/Friendship/Family (Eventual Akira/Natsuki and Shizuru/Mai)
1. Chapter 1

A/N: A few words before we begin with this fiction…

Setting: It takes place in the Mai HiME anime universe a few months after the carnival. I plan to maintain true to that setting early on as much as possible, however, the following caveats should be taken into account, if you choose to read this fan fiction.

Firstly, this a**_ transgendered_** fanfiction, telling the story of a **_FTM_** (female-to-male) character. This fiction will revolve largely around Akira Okuzaki. She is the main star for the purposes of the story. All pov segments will be coming from her. Let it be known, this is not futa, nor a gender bender. It **_does not_** follow the lines of gender bending fetishisms. Please know this upfront. If the idea of a transgendered character bothers you, you're reading the wrong fiction.

Secondly, this is a collaborative work in the spirit, intent, and emotion put into this fiction. These transitional experiences are real. The long process of self-discovery, the choice to do something about it, and the transition itself are all based on our real life experiences. It's been a long time coming. A huge thank you goes out to my dear friends; Ann, Beth, Jake, Kira, and Kris, take a bow. Without our many nights of heart-to-hearts, without all the times we tossed a few beers back and talked, without all of the shared tears and the grief, this wouldn't have been possible.

Thirdly, there are several time jumps in this series as it moves forward. The ages of the main cast of characters will be listed at the top of each chapter. This means that the mindsets of characters will grow and change to suit their age as it is appropriate. Character pairings at the start may not be how they end, just know this. The best laid plans do not always work, and sometimes the things you least expect turn out to be the pot of gold.

**TL; DR: Transgender fanfiction! Eventual Akira/Natsuki and Mai/Shizuru!**

With all of these things taken into account, assuming you've read them, on with the fiction!

* * *

**Metamorphosis  
Arc 1: Truth, Lies, and Assumptions  
Chapter 1**

**Main cast:** Akira Okuzaki 12, Takumi Tokiha 13, Mai Tokiha 16, Yuuichi Tate 16, Natsuki Kuga 17, Shizuru Fujino 18, Nao Yuki 14, Reito Kanzaki 17, Mikoto Minagi 14.

* * *

_My family has a history. It's one that I inherited, and it's complicated…_

_I'll try to simplify it as best as I can. A long time ago, someone in my family was involved in a HiME battle. As a result, I was told to never act like a girl. I was warned to never tell anyone about my true gender. My family said it to me every night, they trained me to fight every day…_

_All because I had the mark. _

_I didn't mind it, actually. In fact, I felt like it was the right thing to do. Then I met Takumi, who became my most important person, and called into question everything I thought I knew. __Now that the battle is over, I don't have to pretend anymore…but, being a girl…it just seems wrong, somehow._

_When you look in the mirror, what do see?  
Is it what you want to see?_

_Back then, the only thing I've ever wanted to do was to reach my hand out to a foggy mirror. Stupid, I know. It's just that, I figured if I…never mind…saying it is kind of pointless anyway._

…

It had been about a month since departing for America. A rushed ordeal at best, a crapshoot at worst. Already, it was coming to an end. It seemed so abrupt, as if the days had flown on by before anyone could catch them. Maybe that speed was a good thing, a barrier that became an easy shield. They didn't have time to be restless, and that could have been a gift. At least that way, no one had time to dwell on things best kept under lock and key.

Unfortunately, there was plenty to keep unspoken, and even more buried deep.

Even though Akira knew that, she also knew that all of the HiME had timidly, voicelessly, agreed to keep their sins and transgressions as no more than hushed murmurs. The most important people, the ones dearest to them, were left with only a small explanation in the whispers of apology. Akira had never spoken hers, but Takumi seemed happy enough not knowing.

For him, the smile on his sister's face was enough to ease his mind on the matter.

Akira remembered the day of departure. It was like a blur, she had vaguely acknowledged it as she tossed routine aside. At the time, she crammed any and all things within her grasp into a duffle bag. In her mind it was only a matter of printing out tickets, and then running to catch the flight before it took off.

That was the day she was able to close her eyes. Turning her back on the carnage left behind at the school. When the rest of the HiME stayed behind, she ran away, pushing her own personal battles aside. She had forgotten all about the lives they kept back in Japan. It was easy to do, too easy.

The truth was, the boy she fawned over during his grueling surgery and rehab had an older sister. Mai was waiting for him. Out of sight, out of mind. It was something Akira never paid attention to, until it was too late. Soon, they would be going home.

To a place that Akira's shadows waited for her...as time ticked by, the unsettling reality of that truth set in.

"Akira, are you still drawing?" The teenaged boy asked as he watched over her.

"What does it look like?" The moody reply came, equal measures of exasperations and concentration dripping from her words. "Do you need some pain meds or something?"

"Oh…no, nothing like that." With his usual gentle gaze, purple eyes glimmered with a sense of innocence. "We have to get up early tomorrow, you know. Don't you think you should get some rest?"

"I don't see why." That kind look had always bothered her, ripping her to the very core. "There's no point." Akira told him darkly, hunching over her sketch pad. "We'll have jet lag anyway." This drawing was a last nod to the room that had become her home for the last few months. She lifted her gaze to study the wall again. The paper covering it was colorful floral pattern. Then, she cut her gaze to his. "You should probably rest though, considering…"

"Soon, maybe." He laughed, even while fighting a yawn. "It'll be hard to sleep. I'm excited."

"No maybe about it, you need to lay down and get some rest." Akira muttered to him as she went back to her drawing. "You always hype yourself up for no good reason." Even though she sketched it several times in black and white, she wanted to recall the magnificence of it. To capture and take home this one last night in a tangible form.

"Yeah, but this is different." The honesty in his words were so childlike. Against all odds, his demeanor hadn't changed him for the worst. The boy of thirteen years was beginning to gain insight. A wisdom that would serve him well when he grew older. "Hey, Akira, do you miss home?" The question was hesitant and tender, just like the boy asking it.

Akira was still unsure if such a personality was really for the better. "No, can't really say that I do." All of that kindness could easily make a person weak.

"Oh..." Takumi murmured quietly. "Do you mind if I ask why?" Again, his lame question was backed by his kindness.

In spite of that, she found herself drawn to him, that question tugging at her. "Not much to miss. As far as I'm concerned, a dorm is a dorm."

"Yeah, but you haven't seen your family in a long time, have you?" He asked her, knowing the question was one that could get him into trouble.

Akira, bristled. "Well, no, but that's normal." A faint grouse barely lifted over the scratching of her pencil. "I don't talk to them very much."

"It's uncomfortable talking to them, isn't it?" He wondered why her shoulders seemed to stiffen at the thought of her family. "I've always wondered what they were like. You have a large family, I'm sure, probably filled with lots of love."

The seemingly innocent question held a weight to it. "They're strict." Akira offered slowly. "My father's unrelenting, and bound by a sense of pride. My mother's the type of woman to answer to my father." Akira was not bothered by his curiosity, even though she held her explanation at a distance anyway. "It's safer for all of us to keep contact to a minimum." Looking back down, she picked up a soft pink, the color choice as near to the floral pattern as she could make it. "Takumi, stop watching."

He smiled, as he always tended to do. "I will, once when you stop coloring." The response died weakly on his breath. Instead, he grew quiet, his voice turned soft. "I know I thanked you before, but I mean it, Akira." He told her with his usual clement. "I don't think I could have done this without you. Having you around, well, it's been a big help."

"You're just a big baby." She said with a huff under her breath for his sake. "You would have been fine."

"Maybe…" He wondered that at times, but smiled with a nod anyway. "It's going to be strange going back home. Sis isn't going to believe it when she sees me." He said then as he leaned back on his bed. "It's been a while…"

That forced Akira to sigh, and she put her book down to look at him. He was a little taller, but that wasn't what he meant. "It's not that bad." She muttered then, looking away from the fingers that he perched upon his throat. "So what if your voice crackles more…you're a guy, its normal. It'll even out, eventually."

"It's not only that." He said as he turned to his side. "Anyway, I just hope Mai doesn't freak out." The girl in the other bed was changing too, in ways he'd slowly begun to notice more and more. "I've got some pretty gnarly scars."

"They're not so bad." She murmured, but didn't look at him. "You need to stop worrying, Takumi."

Yet, worry he did. His fingers running across the short scars on his legs and arms. Places doctors had extracted veins. He licked his lips, and for not the first time, he closed his eyes. He put his palms over his chest, where two hearts had become one. A heterotopic procedure, or so they had called it. The scar on his torso was large, and he recalled the strain it had on his breathing at first…the weird tug of the stiches…the slight ache as his chest expanded with air.

His ribs would take time to fully heal…six months to a year, as his doctors had told him…even if he was going home, he wondered what that meant for him now. It wasn't the first time he'd felt uneasy facing his sister, but, it was the first time he feared her reaction to his appearance.

"It might not be a big deal to you, but for me…" He trailed off as he nipped down on his cheek. Looking at the girl who now had her back turned to him. She still seemed to be able to regard him. He felt connected to that strangely casual way she had about her. "I'm really glad, that you chose me."

"Hm." A hum of approval, little more. "Go to sleep, Takumi."

The boy turned over, facing the dark corner of the room. It was several hours before he fell asleep and Akira breathed a sigh of relief. She finished her drawing, putting her tools away. There was something she had to do, and she didn't want him to see. Reaching into her duffle bag, she pulled out the denim skirt she bought while in America.

The personification was something she'd felt conflicted with.

Meeting Takumi put things into perspective, and spending time with him had opened her eyes in ways that she felt were liberating. Even so, it didn't exactly seem right, either. She folded up the skirt, and the pink hoodie that came with it, leaving it in the bottom drawer of the hotel room. It was fitting, in its own strange way.

She knew it was her only real option, leaving behind the very identity that she felt incomplete by. She might have been a girl in the flesh, but there was something about that skirt. Something that just didn't feel right.

Akira was a boy's name, and according to everyone who didn't know the truth, Akira Okuzaki was a twelve year old male student attending Fuka academy. The life she knew, the home she would go back to, thought her to be a boy. For not the first time she wished she had been born a male.

That she could have been given the same luxuries as those oblivious to the HiME battle.

Leaving her skirt behind was the next best thing. Putting aside the fact that she was female, and denying that simple truth was the life she knew. It was the future she wanted. To just be a regular guy, impossible as that would be.

…

_I remember that night so clearly. Saying this now is kind of irrelevant, but, it was only meant to be a casual glance._

_Somehow…it was more than that. Before I knew it, hours had passed. I still sat there, watching him, wondering what kind of dream he might be having. What kind of world shaped the thoughts that he never said? Then, I began to wonder if he tried to guess the same things about me._

_I wanted to tell him, but…I just couldn't. Something pulled me back. At the time, I had no idea why. I never told him about that night. About how I wished it would never end, just so that I could keep thinking, and he could keep dreaming._

_…_

Much to the lament of all the HiME, their lives couldn't just be put on hold.

It wouldn't wait for anyone to catch up to its insanely fast pace. It was a demanding and fickle thing, one that wasn't marked by the ticking seconds or hours that seemed to drift on continuously. Mai surely didn't have the luxury to count the clock.

There was work to be had, and studies to pursue. Diving in head first was the only wise option.

It wasn't the most glamorous way to live, but it kept her busy, and that's what she wanted. With her bother out of her reach, she had to do everything in her power not to worry about him. Working herself into exhaustion was just one thing of many. Like most teens, she had friends and hobbies to get her by, and she relied on them often. Karaoke nights had become as routine as school and work for the rest of the week. That wasn't all though, far from it.

Mai had dates to consider now as well, as her budding if not rocky relationship with Yuuichi Tate bore testament to.

It was late at night when Mai got back to the dorm, her work days bussing tables coming to an end as she collapsed on the bed. Her boyfriend closed the door behind them, having been promised dinner and a quiet night in. "Go ahead and make yourself at home, I just need to check something." Mai said, tossing her room key in the basket by the door, her purse landing on the floor nearby.

"Yeah, sure thing." Yuuichi settled himself by the low laying table, leaning on his elbows. "Looking for anything in particular?"

"Hmm." Mai's voice cut through the air in a soft hum. "A letter from Akira and Takumi, if there is one…" The daily mail was sitting on Natsuki's bedside table, though the girl wasn't there and her helmet was gone off the rack. Chances were that Natsuki was off visiting with Shizuru, and with a prolonged sigh, Mai looked over the envelopes. "Let's see, bills for dorm fees, a package of cafeteria coupons for the new semester, and not much else." She tossed the short stack back in their original spot. "It figures."

"I'm surprised you're not spamming their phone with texts." He didn't want to seem it, but he was concerned. "It's been a few weeks now, hasn't it?" The ex-kendo club member asked as he eyed Mai with aloof worry. "I thought you talked with them more than that."

"We did at first." Mai shrugged as she pulled on her apron and searched through her pantry. "Akira called once or twice a day when Takumi was in recovery, but then it tapered off. Long distance calling is expensive. We don't have that kind of money." She was comforted that her brother wasn't alone, even though she wished she could have gone with him. "A letter normally comes once a week, but the mail can be slow sometimes."

Yuuichi looked around the room. His own dorm wasn't nearly as clean, and he only had one roommate, not two. It was clear that every girl in this room had their own personal space, and that it was carefully maintained. Interested in the bookshelf crammed with study materials, he meandered over to it. He glanced over the books, which strangely enough had several spiraled notebooks filled with things he couldn't even begin to comprehend. "How long do you think he'll be in America for?" He asked as he flipped through the pages.

"I don't know. The original plan was six weeks, but it's been almost two months." Mai said as she started water to boil. Coming to his side, she took the complicated notes from him. "You know, Natsuki's going to be angry if you mess up her shelf."

"Get real, that's Kuga's?" He barked a laugh. "Didn't know she had it in her."

"Math and science are her two strongest subjects." Mai said absentmindedly as she set the book back, paying attention to Natsuki meticulousness. "It's her other classes she has trouble in, mostly because she hates them and doesn't pay attention."

"Huh…" He lifted an eyebrow at that before shrugging off the thought entirely. He turned to the busty girl, letting his eyes drag over her in ways that drew him in curiously. "Well, whatever. Not like I care about what she does in her spare time." In fact he was far more interested in Mai, and their floundering romance. She was as confusing as she was sexy. He couldn't deny the feelings she inspired in him. "So…Kuga's gone for the night then?" He asked quietly, trying to work up his nerve.

"More like for the weekend." Mai said with a soft laugh, stepping closer when she felt his hands on her hips. "She's been spending the night over at Shizuru's place more and more." With a tiny smirk, her arms playfully wrapped around his shoulders. She always felt a little shiver skitter down her spine when they were so close, and alone to boot. "I left Mikoto with Reito. We've got the dorms to ourselves until room check and curfew."

"Y-yeah, I guess we do." He felt his throat run dry at that thought, a silly grin ghosting his lips. It was foolish luck, but he was grateful for it.

Mai smiled a little, her voice turning soft in a way he had never heard before. "Are you going to kiss me, or not?"

He leaned in before a chuckle consumed him. "That depends, are you going to hit me again?"

It was a tiny shake of her head, but it spoke volumes as she drew ever closer to him, her fingers tangling in his short, messy tresses. He was rough around the edges, in his words and his actions. He wasn't the kindest person Mai had ever known, but there was something about the way his brown eyes softened. In rare moments of togetherness saved only for her, he was a different kind of man.

Dropping her guard for him completely hadn't come easily to Mai, but, she didn't regret it. Instead, a quiet murmur of affection slipped from her lips as they experienced their first real, and uninterrupted kiss. Mai thought that nothing could ever taste sweeter.

…

_I wasn't sure what to think when we got back to Japan, but, I instantly found myself slipping into old routines._

_I don't even think I did it knowingly. Takumi seemed to get the idea without me having to tell him. We were home now, and not everyone knew I was a girl. If I had any hope of continuing to room with him, we had to keep my identity well under wraps. I wanted to stay with him though, and it was easier to do that if everyone thought that I was a guy._

_It occurred to me, Takumi wasn't the only reason I wanted to stay in the boys dorms. It felt awkward, and strange to put a finger on._

_I pushed the feeling aside, and didn't think about it._

…

Coming home was like a breath of fresh air, but it was far from soothing.

They'd kept quiet about their arrival back to Japan. It wasn't meant as a surprise, not exactly, anyway. It was just better not to start excitement. Takumi knew he'd get an earful later, but he was tired. The flight and car ride back to the dorms of the academy took a lot out of him. The boy's dorms were quiet. The halls completely empty.

They'd opened the door to their old room. It was exactly as they had left it, although there was a clear lack of dust. Even in this, there was little comfort, as old phobias rested within the depths of memory.

"Wow the place is clean for once." Akira noted as a wave of something sweet hit her nose. An air freshener sat on top of one of the bookshelves, and the bedding smelled of fresh detergent. "It looks better than when I first moved in."

"Mai must have looked after the chores while we were gone." Takumi said upon seeing the fluffiness of his bed. "I'll have to think of some way to repay her for all that she's done." His feet felt like jelly, and the bed was soft. "Mai's too careful of me."

"You two do it to each other." Akira wasn't surprised that Mai looked after the boy so much, but even she had to agree there was a time and place for it. "Ever since I've known you two, you guys tip-toe around each other." Now that Takumi was getting better, that time would soon come to an end. "It's actually kind of aggravating."

"Well, I plan to talk to her about that." Takumi said, awed by the little details left on his bedside. "I just don't know how to say things right…"

"Uh, just tell her to back off a bit?" Akira asked sarcastically with an upraised eyebrow. "I think she'll understand."

"That's easy for you to say, you don't have siblings your close to." Takumi said with a laugh, realizing for not the first time that Akira wasn't the nicest of people by nature. "I don't want to hurt Mai's feelings either." He smirked then, seeing that even his figurines had been tended to, dusted and put in meticulous order. "Mai's kind of soft, and she's been like a mother to me."

"Yeah, but she's not your mom." Akira turned to him, trying to understand the now blank expression that gave no hint to his thoughts. "Sorry…that was harsh of me."

"No, you're right." Takumi said as she shook his head. "You don't have to apologize for that."

Maybe she didn't, but that didn't make it easier for her to accept. "I spoke out of line. It's not really any of my concern." The idea of loss bothered Akira, death itself something that struck her as a taboo. "I'm just an outsider looking in."

Takumi reflected on that long ago past. "I don't remember my mom very well. Mai's always played that role for me." It was silly to think about, but when he was little, he clung to her for everything.

Akira nodded but said nothing to her thoughts on the matter. Instead, she examined the pantry, her findings less than stellar. "Crap, the fridge is empty." Akira grimaced, not having thought that far ahead. "We'll have to go shopping tomorrow…"

"It's alright, I should also go let the school nurse know I'm back. We can do some errand running then." He said quietly as he dialed a number by heart. "First, I'm going to call Mai, and let her know we're back."

"Yeah, okay." Akira muttered, worried about how the carrot top might react. "I've got some stuff I need to take back to the library. I should probably go talk to the headmaster too. I think I'll do that while you visit with your sister." Then as she checked the locked box under her bed, she pulled some cash from the inside. "I'm going to hit the corner store too, you want anything?"

"Nothing major." He shrugged with a smirk as he held the phone to his ear. "Maybe some strawberry milk?"

"Yeah, sure." Akira said with a grin.

Cherry blossom season had come and gone. The warm summer and fall had ebbed into the rainy cold season known as winter. As she grabbed her coat again, she closed the door behind her, not looking back. Life as they used to know it kicked back into full swing. That should have been a comfort, but it seemed like dangerous proposition.

When Akira turned back to look at the door for a mere moment, she could have sworn she'd somehow forgotten something.

The abstract feeling bothered her…a feeling she hadn't experienced since the HiME carnival. She disregarded it, forced it away from her gut, and took a breath. The carnival was over. Memories were pointless, and old fears were stagnate. Instead, she forced the anxiety away from her mind, dragging the wisps of the past into the hellhole they belonged in.

Life here had to have changed, she was gone too long for things to have remained the same.

"Hey, Okuzaki!" A feminine voice pulled Akira from her thoughts, and she sighed as she realized it was one of the high school students. Yayoi Ota, she shared a class with Mai, and frequented the gossip chains more often than not. She wasn't a particularly troublesome girl, although she was often very friendly.

"Ota…" Akira nodded, stopping her trek through the campus. "Long time, no see." She crossed her arms over her chest, appearing standoffish.

"You can say that again." The short teen said with a beaming grin. "Hey, does Mai know that you're back?"

"Takumi just called her, I think." Akira shrugged, inwardly sighing as the girls began to flock. Several others from the high school coming to Yayoi's side. Akira wasn't sure about all of them, but there was a pair that tailed behind that she instantly placed as the school's leading gossip queen herself, Chie Harada.

"You should have called Mai sooner." Chie said with a smirk as she glanced down at her phone. "She just ran barreling like a bat out of hell out of homeroom."

"Hey, don't look at me." Akira said a bit nervously as she shoved one hand in her pocket, the other raised in mock surrender. "I'm not Takumi's keeper."

"How did his operation go?" Yayoi cut back in, her exuberance full of her usual cheer. "You took good care of him, right?"

"Well yeah, that's why I went." She was starting to feel uncomfortable, and looked down at her watch. "I've got to get some errands done. See you around ladies." Akira could hear the swooning as she broke free of the tiny circle that she seemed to attract without meaning to.

"Hey, hold it!" Chie called, stopping Akira in her tracks. "I'm not done with you yet."

"What do you want now?" Akira asked, her tone cold. She didn't dare turn around.

"I just want to verify something." Chie said gently, a concern slipping into her voice. "Takumi's really okay, right? You haven't been here, so you don't know how worried Mai's really been."

"He's fine." Soft and truthful was the best way to go, and Akira took a breath to ease herself. "In fact I'm stopping by the headmaster's place to let her know we're back." She tossed a glance over her shoulder. "Is that all you wanted to ask?" When Chie nodded, Akira waved her off as she jogged away before anyone else could stop her. "Some things never change." She murmured to herself before her worry came bubbling to the surface again.

That was not the comfort she thought it should have been.

She needed to confirm her belief. If something was going on, there was one person who would know for sure. As she lifted her phone to her ear, she waited for a woman who'd been ignoring her calls for a while now. Again, it went to voicemail, and again, Akira sighed.

This was an old city, where fighting carried a history and bloodline all of its own. Danger always lingered in the all too distant darkness. There was nothing she could do but wait for answers, just like she wanted for the automated recording to end.

_-Kuga here, you've probably missed me because my phone's turned off…that, or I just don't care. Leave your name and number, and if I feel like it, I'll get back to you. If it's really important, you know what to do._

"Natsuki, it's me." Akira muttered, cursing her very luck. "Call when you get the chance, I need to talk to you." She said into the receiver, a hint of a growl in her voice. "Oh, and we're back, no parties…make sure of that, okay?" Akira wasn't the only one with a strange, lingering sense of foreboding…but she was the only one who attributed it to a paranoid sense of battle that had ended long before.

Even so, there was something inscribable on the wind.

…

_We all had baggage…have baggage, I mean._

_Funny thing about being a HiME, you kind of forget that you're the odd one out. That not everyone, or everything is as strong as you are. When you lose that power, it's just as unsettling, maybe even more so. You remember how human you really are. HiME aren't gods, they're not indestructible. In fact, I think it's the opposite._

_We're more destructible, more fragile, because we were HiME. We don't have our strengths anymore. That just means our weaknesses are that much more obvious. It's the dimwitted people that bounce back the easiest. It would be nice if we could all be that stupidly naïve, but, we can't all have that luxury. _

_For some of us, the lingering fear won't ever go away. I know now, that I'm one of those kinds of people. That even in spite of my changes, I can't erase the past._

…

For a person like Natsuki, that inexplicable cloud of foreboding was a normal thing to feel.

Her life was never paradise, and even in every day normality, she didn't find it easy. In fact, it was difficult because of her feelings. It was because of the HiME battle that she found herself in this terrible mess in the first place. Lost and struggling to find the shortfalls in her life in an attempt to fix things.

To repair the damage that time had done.

It was cold outside…colder than it should have been. The chill in the air was crisp enough to send the fauna away into hiding. Natsuki didn't much care for the undue nip that sent shivers down her spine. Stuffing her hands into her pockets, she muttered, waiting for the city bus. The air crept a blush across her cheeks all the way to the tip of her nose. Try as she might to warm herself, it was a failing endeavor.

She would much rather use her own mode of transportation, but that was currently unavailable. With a groan of annoyance, she lamented again that her bike was in the shop.

The bus stop was poorly lit, trash everywhere. A flickering light above her head seemed dim and lifeless. The bench was vandalized with marker and paint, and she took only a moment to admire the artistic maliciousness upon the city's property. It was the inner city of Fuka, so, it came as expected. Even so, there was a limit to how crass one could be. The mangled curse words were enough to make her disgusted by the inhabitants who saw fit to leave such a mess.

The slurs were sickening, she fought to ignore them.

She was all for rebellion, but there was a line, and the markings crossed it. Not that Natsuki would ever do anything about it. She pulled out her phone, sending a text absently when a warm, welcomed figure took a seat next to her.

"Can't get a ride?" A voice husked gently, a quiet question left only for Natsuki's ears.

"Nope." Natsuki said, stuffing the phone back into her pocket. "You couldn't bum one either?"

"I like the bus." The younger woman said, pushing down the hood that kept her face concealed from the chilly air. "Gives me time to think. Mai's with Takumi. They deserve a little space before I go back to the dorms." Her hands found themselves shoved into the warmth of her pockets, and she gave Natsuki a sideways glance. "What about you, something up?"

"No. Mai blew up my phone with texts when she found out." Natsuki muttered, though she was truly happy for Mai's sake. "Thinking is something I'd rather do alone." It had been a bad day, so the bitterness of the cold got to her. "I'm just out here because my bike is screwed."

Her companion chuckled.

"There are a lot of things you'd rather do alone." The truth didn't need a mask, and Akira knew it. Natsuki was indeed a loner to some extent, and even enjoyed stretches of solitude to gather her own thoughts. "Doesn't that eventually make you get lonely?"

"No…not really." Natsuki turned to her friend, if the person in front of her could even be called that. For the longest time they teetered on a very strange line. Thin, and poorly drawn between them. They weren't close by any means, merely tied together by something abstract that they both hated. The HiME were funny like that, friendships based on obligation rather than freewill. "Why, should I be?"

"I guess not, I'm not really all that sociable either." Akira admitted, though she wasn't a butterfly, or the epitome of popularity, she still made time for her friends. "Difference is, I know enough to pick up the phone when someone calls."

Yeah…about that…" Natsuki shrugged, scratching the back of her head. "It wasn't like I was trying to avoid you, or anything like that, Akira."

"Well it felt like it." The words were dull, but the intent behind them was sharp enough to catch Natsuki's attention. "Don't get me wrong, I just want to know if it's safe here, for Takumi's sake."

"It's safe." Natsuki said then, her emerald eyes quickly found Akira's gaze. "Well, as safe as this place can be, I guess. Nothing weird at least."

"That's fine." Akira nodded then. A moment of shared silence left the companionship between them comfortable. For a long time, they sat like that, waiting for a bus that they now assumed may never come. Akira took some time to admire the woman at her side, studying the intensity that Natsuki seemed to exude without even trying. "How are you holding up?"

"I'm fine." Natsuki averted her eyes. "It's…it's going to be okay, I think." No, she hadn't answered Akira's calls and decided to put it to the back of her mind. She couldn't avoid the question any longer though. There was a shared truce between them founded on ambiguous communication. "Shizuru and I have been trying to figure it out."

"Trying?" Akira asked then, seeing the guilt in Natsuki's eyes. "Doesn't sound so good to me."

"Yeah, well…can't do much else." Natsuki murmured.

"Sounds average." Akira deadpanned then as she came to a conclusion. One that had been bubbling in her mind for a long while. "If it was going well, I'd actually be more worried."

Natsuki nodded at that. "Yeah, it would be the calm before the storm."

"That's not the case though." The assumption was a heavy one, but Akira didn't mind. "Want to talk, or no?"

Natsuki shrugged quietly. "Not too big a deal, really." It was no secret, and Akira would find out sooner or later, everyone else important to Natsuki already knew. "There's a lot of pain for Shizuru, I can't take it all away."

"She wants you to try?" It was a cruel question, and Akira was the first person to actually have the guts to voice it.

"Who knows? She doesn't say." Natsuki was starting to feel as if that one admission said too much, and she coughed to clear her throat. "Uh, well…you know how it goes." Turning away was the easiest way to hide the turmoil in her eyes. "It probably hurts, but, hell if I know." She swallowed hard, feeling like a weight was on her chest. "She keeps using love as a control point to tie me down...it's like...like she's terrified of me."

"You kissed her, right? During the fight, I mean." Akira asked then. "And you felt nothing?"

"It wasn't like that." Natsuki shook her head. "Jesus, you're starting to pry, like a few other people I know."

"Chill, I'm only trying to help." Akira said, shyly looking away. "You don't have to bite my head off…"

"But that's what I'm good at." Natsuki retorted, kicking a stone that was near her foot. "Burning bridges, pushing away the people that I care about." She gave a dark smirk. "If I can do it to Shizuru, I can do it to Mai, and Mikoto…even Nao. Means I can do it to you too."

"That's different." Akira protested. "You guys, are a rare breed. You and Shizuru I mean, it's out of this world."

"Not denying it." Natsuki offered with a sad smirk. "We've always been like that."

"You probably still will be." Akira took a breath, it bothered her deep down that things went so unresolved.

"I'm going to try and make it work." Natsuki said then with a soft resolve. "I want to try, I have to...for her sake."

It was amazing what the icy HiME was capable of. That somehow, in spite of the fragments lingered, she desired to continue on. "You're strong, Natsuki." Akira was stunned by that conflict that bore down right into Natsuki's core. Her entire being something nearly unreachable. "You and Shizuru got lucky…Takumi and I, we're different…"

Natsuki lifted an eyebrow. "I don't get how." She told Akira as she checked her watch. "Hell, you probably have it easier. Takumi's a pretty easy going guy."

"It's just weird…" Akira told Natsuki, pointedly. "I thought maybe if I knew where I stood with him, I'd be able to figure out my feelings, but Takumi's too complacent."

"I get that." Natsuki murmured, a soft nod made some of her hair fall into her face. "Might be a luxury."

"He has his own worries too." Akira said with a shake of her head. "He doesn't say them often enough. Only the little stuff."

"Yeah…I get that too." Unlike her usual confidence, she wasn't too keen on removing those unruly tendrils right away. It hid her expression, a mask she counted on. "Shizuru's eccentric, but at least she made her desire clear. She knows exactly what she wants from me. It's suffocating."

"It's that bad?" Akira wasn't sure how to take Natsuki's words.

The woman just shrugged, her voice not at all betraying her, even if the rest of her body tried to. "In the end, I think being with her might actually destroy the two of us."

"It's too soon to tell." Akira breathed, praying that was the case. Somehow, she doubted it, her words flimsy under the emerald gaze that shot to her.

Natsuki nodded, as she stood up. "I think I'm going to walk back to the campus." She muttered, hands stuffed into her pockets once more.

Akira watched for a moment, seeing the defeatist slump in Natsuki's shoulders. It called to her, and forced her to make note of the solitary woman known as Natsuki Kuga. There had always been something about her, something aloof and distant, and yet the woman commanded attention with every step she took. It was so contradictory, frightfully so.

It was very strange, unnerving even…and such a thing was an inspiration, even now. Akira grabbed her bag filled with books from the library, jogging to catch up. "Hey, Natsuki, do you still have that black suit of yours?"

"My leathers?" Of course she had them, she kept them up in the dorm when she wasn't using them. "They're in my room, why?"

"When we get back, you should put them on." Akira said, holding her sketch pad in hand. "I want to draw someone I've never had the opportunity to sketch before."

"Oh, God…" Natsuki rolled her eyes. "Did Mai put you up to this?"

Akira shook her head. "One sketch." She said, hands in her pockets. "I have one of all of the HiME…all of them except for you."

Natsuki just sighed, considering it. "I'm not posing in the common room."

"Mai's visiting Takumi." Akira pointed out. "We can just use your room."

"Fine…" Natsuki sighed as she kept walking. "Just don't go blabbing to anyone about it afterwards."

…

_It wasn't like we were friends, or anything…_

_It's just, Mai and Takumi are gentle people. After the carnival, before Takumi and I left for America, Mai was upset. Torn I think, between going with him, and staying in school. Someone had to go, we all agreed he shouldn't go by himself. However, Natsuki and I agreed that Mai had to stay in Japan, for her own good. _

_Natsuki wanted to go, likely to get some space, but her attendance record wouldn't allow it._

_So, I went instead. We started talking out of our mutual interest in keeping Mai and Takumi stable. Mai, had a hard time of it at first, but, it got easier and she began to accept it. She has Natsuki and the others to thank…Natsuki's tough like that. When it comes to other people, she can face anything down. In her own ways, she's gentle too._

_When it came to Shizuru back then, Natsuki was at a loss…on the verge of a break down…I'd never seen her like that. Crying on the inside, while so strong on the outside._

…

Akira had to be careful, sneaking quietly into the dorm room that Natsuki shared with Mai and Mikoto. If they were caught, someone would get the wrong idea. Most of the students thought Akira Okuzaki to be the leading cute boy of the dorms. They'd built up a fantasy that she was a young gay male. Truth be told, it was easier that way. Willingly, she continued to let them blow it out of proportion. During the carnival, that singular thing had given an amazing cover story.

However, masquerading around as a boy meant she was forbidden to be in the girls dorms after hours. If they saw her snooping around, she wasn't going to hear the end of it. Thankfully her training paid off, and she made it without anyone catching her.

Walking into the girl's dorm was like walking into a perfectly reserved time capsule. The smell of spices, the one carefully made bed next to two completely rumpled ones, the television that had been regulated to the corner of the room…it seemed too easy, too familiar. The table sat invitingly in the center of the room, and Akira was sure that if she lifted it, she's see indents in the area rug.

It was as steadfast a sight as anything.

When Natsuki came out of the bathroom in her skin tight leather biking suit, a whole new level of familiarity lingered in the room. In Natsuki's humble opinion, being sketched was a stupid thing to agree to do.

The sketch pad told no lies though. Everyone else had been made into a piece of art by Akira's skilled hands, some people had multiple drawings of them in large groups. Natsuki was nowhere to be found. There was one drawing that caught her eye, one that lifted sadness back into her heart. "When did you…never mind." She trailed off, the drawing was done with colored pencil, and captured Shizuru usual serenity perfectly.

"Shizuru's an easy target to draw and paint." Akira said with after taking a look at the sketch. "She's always in those flower gardens just below the mountain top. From the art club room, it's as simple as looking out of the window. She was almost always there."

Natsuki knew why that was, and fought to swallow down her discomfort at the reminder. "She loves the gardens, so it makes sense." That particular place was so important to Shizuru, especially now. She closed her eyes and sighed. "Look, I don't think I'll be a very good subject for this."

"If Makoto can sit still, so can you." Akira retorted, flipping to a blank page. "Just get into a pose you can be comfortable in without moving around too much."

Natsuki's eyes slipped closed as she leaned on the nearby wall. "Fine, but I don't feel like sitting." She propped a boot clad foot behind her. Tilting her head downwards, long midnight tresses of hair cascaded around her. For the sake of her own modesty, she closed her eyes. "How's this?"

Footfalls came near. "Stay still." The order was quiet and meticulous.

A brush of fingertips across her neck startled her, and Natsuki bristled, opening her eyes. "What the hell?"

"The light." Akira said, her words little more than factual, her eyes disinterested in much the same way. "The way that it hits, you'd look better with your hair pulled to the side."

"Whatever." She did it herself, getting back into position. "Is this good now?" She asked, an edge in her voice.

"Stay still." Akira said with a nod, and Natsuki closed her eyes again.

After a few moments, the sound of scratches cloaked the room. Pencil hit paper over and over in a strange tattooed rhythm. Tiny little noises, uneven, and fractured. Some much louder than others….it was methodical, but also haphazard. For reasons unbeknownst her, Natsuki found the action soothing.

"So, you draw a lot then?" The biker asked awkwardly, feeling as though she were some showpiece, and that was a feeling she tried best to avoid at all cost.

"Every day." Akira told her, not letting herself stray away from the task at hand. "You?"

"I don't draw." Natsuki bit out.

"A hobby, I mean." Akira amended. "Everyone has something, you should too."

"I'm not a very exciting person." Natsuki swallowed hard. She had no intention of telling Akira of her collection. "I guess, playing video games." Natsuki offered instead, feeling awkward. "I don't really do much." Or rather, before, she hadn't had time for hobbies.

"What actually happened?" Akira finally asked, her bluntness something harsh and agitated. "If you don't tell me, I can't do anything."

"Nothing happened." In fact, Natsuki knew that was likely the problem. "Shizuru's uneasy, and possessive. I get that she loves me, I love her too…I don't even mind saying that anymore. I just get the feeling she doesn't trust me, or maybe she doesn't trust everyone else…I don't know."

"She doesn't talk?" Akira said in assumption. "Hey, don't move around."

Natsuki stopped tapping her heel, and sighed. "What the hell is this, an interrogation?"

"Don't be a big baby." Akira groused then, she stopped her sketch mid-way through. She had to erase what Natsuki's nervous fidgeting had managed to screw up. "I get it, if you don't want to talk…that's fine, but I know you aren't okay."

"Just hurry the hell up, I don't want to stand here all night." Natsuki barked darkly as she forced an angry hint of a blush away from her cheeks.

Akira nodded, knowing Natsuki couldn't see her behind closed eyelids. There was something comforting to that as she licked her lips. "Hey, umm, I tried to call Gennai earlier today. I wasn't able to." Admitting it was harder than she thought it would be. "That should be a comfort…but…"

Natsuki understood, the tiny nod and squaring of her shoulders were stronger than words. "The powers a HiME has, are the feelings of her heart. They're just given a tangible form." She opened her eyes then, looking to the grains in the wood flooring. Each ring was like a ripple, each unsteady wave was something marked in those slats of wood forever. "We've all tried, just to see."

"Even someone like you?" Akira asked then as she completed her sketch.

"Especially someone like me." Natsuki with a tiny, yet bitter smirk. "I miss having Duran, and what he represented." Natsuki wouldn't come out and say it clearly, but she had a faint hope. A thought that maybe, just maybe, if she had Duran, Shizuru would truly believe her words. Her desires for that single thing lead the futile effort of trying to reawaken herself.

It was something that died as ingloriously as any other impossible effort Natsuki had made. Duran was gone, and he wasn't going to be coming back.

There was no more tangible evidence, no direct window into her soul. Natsuki knew she was not the best at words, her actions defined her. Yet, being unable to call Duran was just a tiny failure. A dent in the armor around who she was, and who she wanted to be. Emerald eyes met those of deep molten amber. "The only thing I can say, is that the lack of our powers doesn't exactly mean the lack of our feelings…you're still you, and whatever reason you had in the carnival, that reason is probably still important."

Akira nodded but didn't say anything as she felt a firm grip on her shoulder pulling her from the depth of her thoughts. There was a firmness, a steel that Natsuki carried, such a thing exuding from her in all the best of ways. "Those things are still worth protecting."

…

_Those beautiful words she said to me, I keep them close, just like my art._

_I like to draw…I don't know why…I just do. __Takumi asked me about it once, I just sort of shrugged at him. I like the routine, I guess, and maybe the focus too._

_I want to be able to look at something and see the good in it. I've always tried to live my life that way. The fact is, sometimes, that's just not good enough. There are limits, and that's just the way it is. Trying to question those limits, well, that's part of life too…but make no mistake. There is a limit to everything._

_I think, Takumi knew that, even when we were so young…it just that coming back to Japan solidified those truths for him._

…

Smiling was an easy tactic when it came to pushing away the worries of others. To bury them so deep, many would be left oblivious. It was a gift that both Mai and Takumi shared. They were adept at smiling, and feigning ignorance. It was a game played out of necessity. A truth never uttered, in spite of the torment it caused. It was how they got by in their youth, but that game could not go on forever.

They both knew it, but trying to find the right time was difficult.

To say the siblings encountered some personal tension was understatement. The room seemed weighed down by the things they refused to say. It was an ugly habit, but an old one…it was going to die hard. They had lived their whole lives speaking to one another halfheartedly. Afraid to hurt the other, and be hurt in return…their past was mutually silent. Murmurs that belonged in the shadows. Grievances that might as well have been unforgiven sins. All of it was shoved away by forced little smiles, because that's what they wanted.

That all too fleeting pretense of happiness.

The lies were easy, too easy. Takumi wished that was not the case, but he found himself powerless in front of those soft eyes. Mai coddled him, she was in many respects the mother that he couldn't recall. He felt that weight every time he saw her. The anxiety in her violet eyes washed over him, and for a long time they didn't say anything. It was as if speaking would shattered the glasslike emotions around them.

Finally, just when it got to be too hard, the eldest smiled sadly, and took the first step.

"I'm glad you had a safe trip, but, you should have told me you were coming home." Mai said quietly as she sat at Takumi's side. She lifted a hand to his ruddy head of hair, ruffling it between her fingertips. "I would have gone to the airport and greeted you there." She felt bad that she had been kept out of the loop, and struggled to maintain composure. "I'm always here for you." The sight of her brother was almost too much. "All you need to do is ask, and I'll do anything for you."

"I know." He said, as he took her trembling hand and removed it from his head. "You're too good to me." He didn't want to be babied anymore, he didn't want that all too easy luxury. Even as she gave him the ability to be weak freely, he refused himself that simple comfort. "That's why I didn't say anything about it." He looked away shamefully. "I didn't want to burden you."

"I…I see…but, you're not a burden." Mai was unsure what to do.

"I am." Takumi had become so sure of it. "I'm going to become a terrible one if don't take notice of that now."

"That's impossible, you're my baby brother." She'd never seen her brother sit before her in such a way, broad shouldered, firm and resolute. "You may have gotten older, but to me you'll always be the baby of the family."

"Sis, we're the only ones left." That fact bothered him, but Mai had endured the brunt long enough for his sake. "There is no family anymore, Mai. We're the only blood tie...it's gone." He'd thought about it long and hard while he was in America, the conclusion his firm belief. "I can accept that, I'm even okay with it because that's the only kind of life I've ever really known." The one thing that he couldn't be okay with, was letting Mai continue to protect him. Sheltering him from the cold world he'd become all too well aware of. "That's why I want you to find your own happiness, something that doesn't include worrying about me."

Mai felt a pang of sadness in those words, and yet, there was sense of pride lingering there too. "I will." She promised as she regarded his honesty with equal measure of her own. "I'm actually pretty happy now." Still, her eyes seemed to play tricks on her. He was taller than he used to be, his voice was changing too. He was becoming a man, and in those few months that he was gone, Mai had missed a step somewhere. She realized tiny little hairs on her brother's upper lip were starting to sprout. "You really have grown, Takumi."

He smiled, laughing a little as he shook his head. "Not that much." Still, to have that acknowledgement was important to him. "Only a little bit." Awkwardly, he gave his sister's hand a little tug, wrapping his arms around her when she got close enough. "Sis, I missed you."

"Takumi, you had me worried sick." Mai murmured as she held into him, realizing that he was actually home. That he wasn't going anywhere, not anytime soon. She could feel the scar beneath her fingertips, and she couldn't stop the tears of relief that fell from her eyes.

"Mai, you don't have to worry about me anymore." His arms were unwaveringly gentle. "It's okay…I'm okay." His fingers slid through her carrot colored hair, as he felt the hot tears fall onto him. Years of worry and grief melted from her in ways he had not anticipated. "I'm alright." He wondered if his sister believed him, as her shoulders shook violently. "It'll be alright now."

"I know." Her voice remained uneasy, but her words were calm. "I've always believed that." When she pulled away, her eyes fell to his open shirt, and the mark that that branded him, and would do so for the rest of his life. She reached out to touch it, pulling away at the last moment. "The scar's so large…"

"I've made peace with it." Takumi said as he grabbed her hand, putting it over his scar. "I promise."

It was rough to her soft fingertips. Mai's gut did a little flip as she realized the finality of those markings, the safety they'd provided wouldn't be something she could measure. Even so, there was something about him, the way he smiled reminded Mai of their father. It was humbling, as she began to see such confidence in the boy who not that long ago, had none of which to speak. "You know, Takumi, you're starting to act like dad."

…

_I'm pretty sure Mai stayed in the boy's dorm that night. _

_She didn't come back to her room, that's for sure. I didn't go back to mine because I didn't want to interrupt anything. Takumi needed some time with his sister, and felt like if showed up, he wouldn't have it. Siblings are weird, I've never had the chance to get close to mine. _

_I'd like to think if I had a close sister, she'd be like Mai. If I had a close brother, he'd be like Takumi...its a moot point, anyway._

_Natsuki and I stayed up all night, but most of it was spent in comfortable silence. I knew she was upset about Shizuru, but I didn't know what to say about any of it. Natsuki's always been the type of person to get more out of quiet company, and, so am I._

_That's why I didn't mind._

_…_

Natsuki dreaded the grilling she was going to get as soon as stepped foot into the home she share with Shizuru unofficially. Whenever she wasn't sleeping at the dorm, she was with Shizuru, wrapped up in a conflicted embrace.

Their love was a strange one, and Natsuki wasn't entirely sure how she felt about Shizuru's possessive nature. She knew it wasn't going to be easy, but sometimes spending time with Shizuru was like dancing on a knife's edge.

Shizuru was a demanding woman, fulfilling in the right doses, but too much of her became maddening quickly. Too little, and Natsuki wondered at the nature of their relationship. It always seemed to go forward a little before spiraling out of control, and Natsuki felt forced to take a step back. In didn't help that the insecurities that they both had were conflicts of interest, and both of them knew they were entirely dysfunctional.

Even so, neither one of them were willing to give up trying…their friendship unquestionable, their love heated and on the brink of insanity.

"Where were you?" A beautiful lilt echoed from the living area, as footfalls neared closer. "Natsuki, you had me worried." As Natsuki had predicted, Shizuru started as soon as she entered the house.

"Out." Natsuki said with a shrug, handing Shizuru a cup of hot tea from her favorite diner. "I do that sometimes." She grumbled softly, taking a sip of her own dark coffee. "You know that, it's nothing new."

"Yes, I understand that. Even so, I don't approve of you being gone all night." Shizuru accepted the drink, but her eyes didn't soften. A withdrawn anger was doused by outward disappointment. "You know I don't like it when you do that." In fact, those crimson eyes seemed to grow darker, more predatory. "Didn't we agree that you wouldn't go sneaking about in places you didn't belong?"

"I didn't. I went to the same place I always do, the dorm." It was an old, rehearsed battle, and one Natsuki knew she wouldn't win. "I know you want me to stay here every night, but I need my space too sometimes."

"You can have your space here." Shizuru rebuked. "That's why you keep your own room, isn't it?"

Natsuki swallowed hard. "You're the one that wants me to sleep over on the weekends…but the fact is, I still live in the dorms with Mai." She tried to be gentle as she said it, but pain she felt was cutting into her. "Don't you trust me?"

"When you go back to that dorm, I sometimes wonder if I should." Shizuru murmured darkly as she leaned into Natsuki, pulling the shorter woman closer to her. "You never tell me what you do over there. For all I know, you're fraternizing with people you shouldn't be."

"Oh, yeah, because Mai and Mikoto are the worst people I could be hanging out with." Natsuki just smirked. "That's ridiculous, you should know that."

"Only insofar as your avoidance of me." Shizuru shot back, anger now a boiling to rage. "Why not just move in here?" Shizuru asked, grasping at straws. "What is it about this place that you seem to detest so much?"

"I'm not ready for that." Natsuki sighed at length. "Besides, I have my friends and commitments outside of our relationship. Things like school."

"Then we can get you an apartment." Shizuru said as her eyes narrowed. "I don't like you staying in that dorm with other girls."

"Oh…not this again." Natsuki put her coffee off to the side. "Do I have to go over this with you every single time?" Natsuki asked her softly, holding Shizuru at arm's length. "Look, nothing weird goes on at the dorms. I usually go check up on Mai and Mikoto, catch up on the study group, and sometimes I crash out there." Turning back to the kitchen counter, she took hold of her coffee again, taking another sip as she sighed. "Last night, Takumi and Akira came home. I stayed in the dorms in case Mai needed me."

"What about if I needed you." Heated, angry, competing against some empty shadow. It was all too much. "Did I ever cross your mind last night?"

"You did." Natsuki murmured, though she dare not say what those thought included. "Shizuru, I think about you all the time. That's part of the problem." With a sigh, feeling weak she walked off, pausing at the edge of the kitchen door. "Mornings like this, and your insane paranoia…those are the things that keep me from moving in."

"It isn't that I don't trust you." Shizuru said after a long sigh. "It's everyone else that I find trouble trusting."

"You promised me you'd take this slow." Natsuki murmured when she felt Shizuru's arms around her. "Shizuru, if you want to be with me, you have to respect my need for independence." She leaned into the embrace, trying to drop her guard, finding it hard to do. "You need to give an inch here and there…I promise I'll try to do the same."

"I love you, Natsuki." Shizuru said weakly. "I need you." The words were a terrible utterance that brought no joy to say. "Don't you understand that?"

"I do." Natsuki said as she turned to hold Shizuru in her arms. "I love you too. That's why this is so damn hard." Natsuki sighed, feeling unsure about how to ease the woman that always seemed troubled. "I don't know what I can do for you, Shizuru." Feeling as though the walls were closing in on her, the only thing she could do was keep holding onto the woman that tested her to the brink. "I don't know how to take away your pain, but God, I wish I could."

"Just stay, Natsuki." Shizuru implored. "Don't make me wonder, or guess about things."

"You bring that onto yourself." Natsuki said a little coldly. "It's my choice how I live my life." Natsuki said quietly. "I choose to be with you, but you've got to trust that."

"You could just as easily choose to hate me." Shizuru said then, her voice breaking under her words. "I can't take that prospect."

"Idiot…" There was only so much Natsuki could do, only so much she could protect the woman in her arms. "I'm right here." It bothered her how much doubt lingered in Shizuru's eyes at any given moment. They faced each other down, Natsuki guided Shizuru to the wall, willing to break that unrelenting gaze. Crimson eyes, like fire, licking at her in intoxicating ways. Sometimes giving into that heat was enough to calm the torrent before it began. "No one else touches me the way you do, I won't let them." Natsuki murmured, as she rested kisses down Shizuru's neck, slipping silk from the woman's shoulders as they melted into each other.

_…_

_Going back to Japan was the catalyst for a lot of things._

_It was a period of change. Both drastic and surreal. I'd like to think that change helped to shape us. Realistically, I know that's not so true. We shaped ourselves, and that's what caused the winds of change in the first place. A revolution that started turning when the HiME became a united front…_

_When we decided to change fate as we knew it, we also decided to separate ourselves knowingly from the reality set forth by the HiME's star. Within that clarity, I can say that fate ended when the star vanished…but, we weren't free from our shackles, until we became free of ourselves, and our pasts._

_The end of the battle was just the start of a new future, for all of us._

_…_

The next day while everyone went to class, Takumi and Akira spent a slow afternoon pent up indoors. It wasn't that they felt particularly lazy, but the travel had worn Takumi out more than he anticipated. More than that, he spent his time contemplating his discussion with his sister, feeling as though the short time spent abroad had given her room to grow. She's told him about her involvement with one of her classmates. He wasn't sure how to feel about Mai having a boyfriend, so he settled on feeling contended that she had found someone to comfort her.

His chest itched more than usual, and after he scratched at it one too many times, Akira nagged him about taking better care of himself. That normally as of recently made him smirk, as she all but forced him to put disinfectant on the area he was picking at.

"Stay still." It was a murmured order. Akira examined the scar and what Takumi claimed to be an itchy spot on his chest. "That kind of nervous fidgeting has to stop." She looked at the tissue, finding it to be relatively normal, and put the usual antibiotic ointment on it to keep it from infection.

"It kind of tickles." Takumi smirked.

"It's not going to tickle if your scar gets infected." Akira bit out, though in truth it was almost completely closed now. "Are your ribs bugging you or something?"

"Only if I breathe in too deeply." Takumi said with a shrug as he sat calmly on the bed. Akira tended to his care. "Those exercises really tire me out."

"You'll pick up your rehab here soon." Akira said quietly as she considered that with a hint of worry. "In the meantime, you really need to keep up your breathing, so that your lungs don't collect fluid."

Takumi nodded, having heard the speech several times since his operation. Inhaling deeply right then, he winced. "It feels so weird." He murmured as he slowly let the air out of his lungs. "It's like someone's tugging on both sides of my chest."

"The doctor said it would be like that until the bone fuses back together completely. Until then, the only thing holding you together is that surgical wire." Akira noted as she went to the sink to wash her hands from the excess medicine. "I can always go get some pain medicine from the nurse's office if you need something."

"It doesn't even hurt." Takumi said with a shrug. "It's just like this weird tugging feeling. That's the best way to describe it."

"Well, as long as you're not in pain, there's nothing for it then." She went into the bathroom, closing the door behind her as she leaned heavily on the wooden pane.

She wanted to just shut down, and not think too deeply anymore. With her usual aggravation she pulled off the several layers of shirts she had on at any given time. The blue academy jacket, the white button down, and the red shirt that was underneath. It was strange how used to coverings she was, even as she stepped away from the door and began to unravel the bandages that bound her chest tightly.

Her breasts were growing slowly, but noticeably, and that wasn't the only thing that irked her.

With a small frown, she scrutinized herself, every failing detail a new curse to her mind. Her fingers ran over her throat, feeling the lack of a protrusion that would rest there. Her voice wouldn't be lowering, she wasn't really a man. Her growing chest was going to give her away eventually. It wasn't only that, the onset of puberty left gentle sprinkling of hair in places she wasn't entirely used to, and her hips were starting to flare just a little, she wasn't too fond of that either.

When she heard the door slide open behind her, she didn't move. She couldn't bear to look at Takumi, couldn't deal with the soft understanding in his eyes. Before she knew it, she found herself wrapped in his arms. His heart beat strong against her back, the rise and fall of his chest solid against her.

"Why do you insist on dong stuff like this?" She asked, her head cocking to the side in a false security. A mask she tossed up as quickly as she did blindly, even if it was only Takumi.

"Because every time you come in to take a shower, you always mutter and glare at yourself." Takumi hated the way she regarded her body with disgust. He tried several times to get her to open up, but failed each and every time. "You know, before I thought it was just because you were crabby." He placed a kiss on her shoulder, hesitant to voice his suspicions. "But you do it too often, and you only seem to get more agitated as time goes on."

"Takumi, I'm half naked." Akira protested as she tried to squirm out of his hold. "G-get out of here, stupid."

"You're the only one who's looking." He said quietly. "I don't know what this is about, and I wish I did." He didn't relinquish his hold, only hugged her closer. "Is this another one of those…secret ninja things…or is this a HiME thing?"

"It's not either." She said as she finally broke free of his hold without any effort at all, tripping him in the process. "It's just me. I'm the problem, got it?" She didn't bother covering herself, feeling that if she tried, it would make her seem weak, and that was one thing she didn't want to be. "Anyway, it would be best if you didn't interfere." She turned to the shower, pushing the curtain back and turning on the spray. "Now get out of here, I don't want to be naked any longer than I need to be."

"Akira…" Takumi frowned at his own powerlessness.

"Just go, Takumi." With that, she built that all too familiar wall of loathing indifference around herself again.

…

_I can't say I've ever been the most sentimental person. I was raised to know the pointlessness of that kind of mindset. There really isn't any point to hold onto unchangeable facts, and even though I know that logically, some things remain. I don't believe it's possible to disregard everything, but those early days of my life were some of the most frustrating that I'd ever encountered. _

_Although, I know the same holds true to the important people in my life now. We all feel the same about those memories, even though we each recall those events a little differently. Some are fonder of them than others. I can't say I feel strongly one way or the other anymore. Reflection is merely that._

_However, it's like I said before._

_The only thing I've ever wanted back then, was to reach my hand out to a foggy mirror. The way I had it figured, If could wipe away the mist, I could find myself. That way I might be able to finally see the one thing I've always wanted._

_The real me._


	2. Chapter 2

A/N: Just in case you somehow missed the caveats of chapter 1, and have no idea what this is about just tossing out a quick blurb. This is a transgendered themed fan fiction. All of the POV segments sprinkled throughout are from Akira's POV. There will be eventual Akira/Natsuki, and Shizuru/Mai pairings.

For those of you coming back for chapter two, glad to have you back. It means a lot to those of us in the transgendered community to receive acceptance regardless of how far along we are in transition. However, it should also be noted that many in the community also choose not to transition at all. Some do it for personal reasons, and others such as myself, do it for health reasons. There are many different ways to identify, and I can't stress that enough.

I'm going to try and keep Akira as true to character as humanly possible, so the way she copes with her gender identity may not be the same as others do. There was plenty of talk going on from all walks of life, from gender benders, females-to-males, males-to-females, transsexuals, and transvestites alike. In attempted to come up with a way to display those cohesive feelings, about 60 hours of skype chatting was invested strictly for the purpose of the fiction.

Those chats will continue to be an ongoing part of this fiction.

Also since I promised I would give a shout out, here it is. BETH NOW HAS HER BOOBS! Can't applaud you enough for having the courage to go through with it, and I am so glad you finally had them done! Now for the nine months of recovery ahead...

Anyway, on with the fiction!

* * *

**Metamorphosis  
Arc 1: Truth, Lies, and Assumptions  
Chapter 2**

** Ages for main cast:** Akira Okuzaki 12, Takumi Tokiha 13, Mai Tokiha 16, Yuuichi Tate 16, Natsuki Kuga 17, Shizuru Fujino 18, Nao Yuuki 14, Reito Kanzaki 17, Mikoto Minagi 14.

* * *

_When you have nothing to lose, you don't mind gambling everything, it's a safe bet.  
_

_When you have everything to lose, it's not a gamble, it's throwing the things you do have away._

_When you're stuck in the middle of that, and have to make a choice, it's called resolve._

…

Akira and Takumi rarely watched the television located in the corner of their room. They would sometimes check the forecast, however, the big black box functioned as a glorified dust collector. Yet, when there was nothing else to do, Akira took to turning on one of the channels to fill the empty air.

She hated laziness in all forms, although she understood the desire to do absolutely nothing constructive. In fact the on the slow afternoon she found herself in that kind of a rut often. Bringing herself to care about anything was more troublesome than it should have been. Even her drawing seemed stagnant and lifeless.

"Akira, what do you want to eat with the brisket?" Takumi asked cheerfully. Leaning into her area of the room, he waited eagerly for her reply.

"Does it really matter?" She asked him, as she reached for her eraser. "Whatever works."

The boy wasn't satisfied with that, and persisted anyway. "Well, we've got some potatoes, or even just some noodles if you don't feel like rice." Stepping into her area of the room fully, he gathered the dishes from her lunch. Then, once again he turned to regard her. "We could do bread and butter too, if that sounds better."

The girl in question didn't even flinch, finding the concern in his eyes to be completely absurd. "Dunno, don't care." Her drone became one of concentration, demanding not to be disturbed. "Just pick something easy." She told him, her eyes not leaving the white paper that she marked with the dark ink.

"Okay, I'll do rice then." He said without missing a beat. "I've also got some broccoli to steam, that okay?"

Realizing what he was after, Akira lifted her gaze to his. "If it were up to me, I would have happily made a meal out of the chip bag."Pointedly, she let her eyes stay glued to him, letting him know that she wasn't completely ignorant of his thoughts or feelings.

"Chips?" Visibly brightening at the simple action, he smirked. "You can't eat that as a meal."

"Well, I would have." With that, she returned to her own little world of unclear lines. Shaded figures rested amongst the white backdrop, waiting for color. "You're the one cooking, you decide." Inwardly, she was little more than amused by the boy's antics, coming to expect his eagerness at least a few times a week. Cooking was a hobby of his, a joy likely given to him by his sister. Although, he was far better a baker than a chef.

Normalcy was a distant, if not misunderstood comfort. She'd always felt that way. It was a passing thought. Drifting into her mind the same way that the scent of Takumi's cooking infiltrated her nose. Not exactly unwelcome, but, definitely distracting. The best she could do is scratch her head with the end of her pencil and keep drawing.

Forcing away any deeper meaning, she flipped to an empty page, drawing the landscape in front of her.

Takumi hesitated, but nodded, turning to go back to the small stove on the other side of the room, away from the beds. "I've got that doctors appointment this weekend. You don't have to go if you don't want to. It might be good for Mai though, you know, as moral support." Takumi noted pleasantly as he opened a new bag of rice to pour into the glass jar he kept it in.

"There you go again." Akira sighed, though she smiled in spite of herself. "Always thinking about Mai's feelings." Suddenly the green pencil in her hand didn't seem so vibrant anymore, and she set it back down. "Don't you ever get tired of it?"

"Well, she is my sister." Takumi admitted with a strange sort of wistfulness. "I don't want her to worry about me. That doesn't mean that I don't think about her."

"Interesting double standard." It was a dark retort, muttered between clenched teeth to silence herself.

"I'm her brother. I'm supposed to worry about her." He wondered how best to explain his feelings, strange as they were. "One day, when she's married off and has someone who's committed looking out for her, I don't think I'll worry as much...but who knows."

She went back to coloring grass upon the white paper, her hands shaking uneasily. "Well, if that works for you, fine by me." The bond was unshakable, and that was something Akira didn't really understand very well.

Family was an ambiguous term, but, that's all it was. A simple word that held no real merit in the world. It was something unimportant, holding no relevance to her life at all. Takumi had a vastly different perspective. She was pulled in by his need to protect it, even if it drove her slightly insane. She wished she could say that she agreed with the sentiment.

Fact of the matter was, she didn't. She doubted she ever would.

Just as she was about to lose herself in another internal debate, Takumi's voice shattered her thoughts. "Anyway, I know it might be a lot to ask. You can tell me no, if you really want." Takumi began after the comfortable silence became too quiet. "I just think it'll help. Sis gets worried easily. Besides, you know more than she does now about some stuff."

"Don't be so stupid." Akira muttered then, a soft laugh making her words gentle. "You want me to go, I'll go." She closed her book then, putting it off to the side.

Even if she couldn't see his grin from her place on the bed, she heard it in his voice. "Thanks Akira, it really means a lot to me."

"Yeah, whatever you say." She ran her fingers through her long hair, lazily sorting out the knots. "I'm not really all that bothered. If I wasn't with you guys, I'd probably just go up to the gym or something."

"You can do that after. Mai's tutoring me in math after." He paused then, laughing to himself in what seemed to be some sort of private joke. "At least, I think she is."

"Isn't Natsuki the math whiz?" Akira muttered with an upraised eyebrow.

"Yeah, she's better in science too." Takumi said, plating the meal, handing one of them over to his girlfriend. "I might have asked her, but Mai said she'll be busy. I'm nor worried, I think Mai can handle my math. She's helped me with it before."

"Won't argue with you there." As she took a fork full of food and popped it into her mouth, she considered Takumi's strange joys.

He was not the most masculine person on the face of the earth. The pink apron he sometimes wore a testament to that truth. Akira wondered if he liked her because of her boyish attitude. She never asked him, she didn't feel the need. Even so, as she lifted her eyes to his, she couldn't help but feel the affection he kept for her.

That same smile he often regarded her with, full of warmth.

It was strangely stifling, as though walls were closing in, boxing her into a future she couldn't make due with.

…

_If you're foolish enough to eat poison anyway, don't forget to lick your plate clean._

_It's an old saying. Fitting, for the HiME as a whole. Most of our lingering damages were self-inflicted, I wouldn't begin to pretend otherwise. We were used to the mentality of standing alone, without outside interferences. That kind of mindset protected us, but, it also dragged out several problems. _

_Even in spite of that, sticking to old habits was the safest gamble. We could expect trouble, but we could also systematically deal with the fallout, burying it deep.  
_

_At the time, we were grossly unprepared for the logical aftermath. It was an abstract, but dangerous truth._

_…_

Drizzle leaked from the cloudy sky on the rather slow afternoon. It was a Sunday, classes weren't in session and most of the outdoor clubs had been canceled. The art club meetings weren't often held on the weekends, leaving Akira free to accompany Takumi and Mai to the clinic. Takumi's rehab program had a few more weeks left, then with any luck, he could be given a clean bill of health.

While it was true Takumi wanted to do most things on his own, Mai was still his guardian on the paperwork. A thirteen year old boy couldn't act without his caregiver for medical decisions. After his medical exam, they spent the next several hours tailoring a rehabilitation routine. They'd offered him a counselor as well, but he declined, saying he felt as if he was coping with the aftermath of his operation just fine.

Mai seemed skeptical, but kept quiet until after they returned to the dorms. She promptly dove head first into cooking some lunch. It was an action spurred on further by her nervousness. It was like a bothersome twitch that niggled at the edge of one's eye. A vice she refused to get rid of, tending to others like an over protective mother hen. She took to the kitchenette so viciously, that many might think her to have violent tendencies instead of passive ones.

Finally as she put down the butcher's knife, a slow breath drained out of her. She leaned heavily on the counter as her shoulders sagged, the things she wanted to say a strange mix of anger and pride. She didn't know how to feel, or, how to support her brother. She shook herself out of her stupor and went back to cooking.

"I still say you should talk to someone." Mai said with just a bit of worry edging her tone, cracking an egg with more force then she needed. "You clearly don't want to confide in me, but it should be someone." She then grabbed another egg, doing the same. "Preferably older than you, with more life experience."

"Mai, ease up." Natsuki said worriedly after one egg smashed flatly into Mai's palm. "You're doing it again."

Violet eyes rolled in exasperation. "Natsuki please, not now." Mai requested, throwing an annoyed glance over her shoulder before she began cleaning up the mess.

Takumi looked over to Natsuki, who merely shrugged as she went back to hunching over her laptop. Feeling as though there was an undercurrent that he didn't understand, he returned to the topic at hand. "Sis, its fine." Takumi said tiredly, his hand reaching up to work out a kink in his shoulder. "Besides, if anything bothers me, it isn't my heart surgery."

Mai offered her brother a glance, and the two shared the unspoken words with that short blink of their eyes. "I'm sorry, I wish it was easier for you." Mai said before her own guilt could bubbled to the surface. "If you want, I'm sure there's someone you could confide."

"I don't know, Mai." Takumi brought a drink of water to his lips. "I'd really rather not. Besides, I wouldn't even know what to say. I mean, it would probably sound crazy."

"He's got a point." Akira muttered darkly. "Not a lot of people we can trust around here."

Mai looked over her shoulder, frowning as she realized the depth behind the statement. "No, I suppose there isn't." The noodles in the pot were now all the more interesting. "You can't blame me for worrying though. Takumi's operation was a major one, and it's not something he can just shrug off so easily. The other stuff only adds to it."

"I get what you're saying, but take it from me, silence is golden." Akira didn't know why she felt so strongly about that, but the medical community in the area bothered her. It was a feeling she had for the longest time, reinforced by the truths forced out by the battle. "Hey, Takumi, go grab a soda from the machine downstairs." She handed him a wad of bills, and the boy nodded.

"What kind do you want?" He asked.

"Anything cheap, just go Takumi." She told him, nudging him to get up. "Walk kind of slow…"

Takumi gave her a questioning look, but she shook her head at him. Some things were best kept away from his innocence, and others were just easier to say without him around. It was true that she had conversations about the HiME in his presence before, but like all of the most important people, his knowledge was generic at best.

HiME matters stayed among the HiME. It was a rule made to protect themselves, even though it was probably just paranoia.

When Takumi walked out of the room, Akira turned to Mai. "Takumi hides it pretty well, but I know the battle bothers him sometimes."

"Why shouldn't it?" Natsuki asked pointedly from her place in the far end of the room, resting on her bed, her laptop still at her side. "It bothers all of us."

"Some more than others." Mai agreed slowly, wondering why that seemed to be a sudden issue. "Does it bother him a lot, or a little?"

"Enough to give him nightmares." Akira said softly. "I'd say he's okay, but pressing him might make it worse." There was a tangible weight to her thoughts that she hated to consider. "He did sort of vanish into a cloud of green sparks. I think that would be a pretty horrifying experience."

"Shit." Mai cursed, her voice shaking. "I thought we could avoid that with him. He acts relatively normal."

"Under the circumstances, he is." Natsuki scoffed. "What's a near death experience without them?"

Mai began to open her mouth, but then nipped on the side of her cheek, keeping quiet. She mulled it over in her head, not liking the implications. "The doctors said we have to keep his stress level down." Mai said carefully considering the details of that questionable power. She'd never asked anyone how it might feel to cease to exist. She cut her eyes to Natsuki, but said nothing as her teeth bit down on the question. Wisely, she'd save that train of thought for later. "We're going to have to deal with his anxiety somehow."

"We need to keep him away from the coats." Akira knew they wouldn't be easily believed. "Besides, we agreed to take care of our own, didn't we?"

"We did, but that's easier said than done." Natsuki sighed from her place. That little matter had been clawing at her for a while. "I'm no shrink, but some of us really are fit to be tied. Also, none of us are really qualified to deal with some of these issues."

The youngest in the room relented the fact, nodding her head. "That's true, but I doubt you want anyone else poking around in our personal affairs." Akira said after a moment. "We don't want a repeat of last year. The whole school got invaded. Don't think it won't happen again."

"I know…" Mai sighed at length. "There isn't a day I don't worry about that…but, Takumi knows what not to say."

"That a gamble you want to take?" Akira asked then. "You don't have that dragon of yours anymore. Takumi's too trusting, he makes one slip up, and we're all lab rats."

Emerald eyes lifted from the computer in their view. A hawk-like gaze piercing into some unseen foe. "Even worse, we're lab rats with no success rate." Natsuki added, catching what Akira was saying. The implication of those words left her uncomfortable. "Who knows what they'd do if they thought we were expendable." The chances were higher than anyone wanted to admit, and it was safest keeping quiet. "If I were you, Mai, I'd leave the kid alone." Natsuki said, returning to her pattering away at the keys. "He hasn't keeled over yet, has he?"

"This from the person who hates doctors." Mai said with a shake of her head as she tossed the red meat into a large cast iron pot. "I don't think your biased opinion counts as a good example."

At that Takumi opened the door, and the three ex-HiME switched gears almost instantly for his sake.

"It's as good as an older sister driving her little brother crazy." Natsuki muttered darkly as she smacked the keyboard. "Damn, I'm going to kill Nao!"

"I told you not to loan her the laptop." Mai said as she washed her hands and dried them on the apron. "What did she do this time?" She asked, leaning over Natsuki's shoulder, seeing the log-in screen.

"Changed the bloody password." Natsuki groused between clenched teeth as another error window popped up.

Mai rolled her eyes as she leaned over, not even thinking twice as her ample breasts pressed into Natsuki's back. "Oh, come on, it can't be that hard…now let's see here." She typed in two words, gaining instant access as emerald eyes shot daggers into her. "Yep, there we go."

"Dumb mutt…" Incredulous, Natsuki just shook her head as Mai headed back to the counter. "How did you know it was going to be that?"

"It's Nao." Mai said with a shrug. "Also, it was on the sticky note that she put on the door earlier."

Takumi smirked at the exchange, thinking of the ill-tempered redhead. "Nao's a good friend to you, isn't she Mai?"

Mai rolled that idea around in her head. "I don't know if she's a good friend exactly." Mai said slowly, not really sure what to think of Nao. Her heart went out to the girl, but, it was hard to befriend someone with such a spiteful temper. "Let's just call her an amusing acquaintance."

"Call her a damn pain in the ass. That's what she is." Natsuki ranted, further bothered that all her folders had been changed and moved around. "Let's not confuse being a jackass as an excuse for mischief."

"You say that, but you two spend quite a bit of time together." Mai said with a knowing smile. "I honestly think you two are the best of friends, you just don't want to admit it."

Akira just crossed her arms. "I don't understand how. She's abrasive, not to mention dangerous. Have you heard what she does to guys in the streets in her spare time?" It sickened Akira to think about it, even though she knew most of the guys had it coming to them. "She ties 'em up, steals their money, and beats them bloody."

"To be fair, she stopped doing that after the carnival." Mai replied, patting Akira's shoulder as she passed by. "Her mother woke up from the coma. Nao doesn't have time to beat people up."

"Still manages to screw up my history paper, so she has more time than she needs on her hands." Natsuki growled, seeing the monstrosity that her paper had become. "Not to mention the stunt she pulled last week." As the middle school students sent her a questioning look, Natsuki put a hand to her face. "Don't ask…"

Mai snickered, covering her mouth with her hands. "Actually, that was pretty funny, Natsuki."

"Shut up." Natsuki shot back, giving Mai a look of pure warning.

"See what I mean?" Mai said, the smirk still playing on her face. "They're very good friends."

Akira and Takumi looked at the exchange, both equally confused, though it was Akira who spoke. "Don't think I want to know."

…

_When I was little, my father put this strange sharp circle into the palm of my hand. He told me to throw it at a wooden board, and to repeat that process until I could hit the bull's eye every single time. _

_That was the start of my training, I couldn't have been more than two or three. Discipline before praise. Ruthlessness over mercy. That was the kind of man my father was to me. Cold, and distant. He used to pat me on the head, but that was the nearest thing to affection I ever received.  
_

_My father had given me tools of the trade, training to kill, but nothing beyond battle. I was a born and raised killer, I'd lived my entire life for preparing for the HiME battle. A fight that lasted all of a few short, agonizing weeks. Beyond that, I was nothing to my family. I was a daughter who could not perform to my family's whims and desires._

_I had been nothing more than a tool. Broken, and no longer useful to the Okuzaki name. I realized that when I'd lost the battle. My father tied up. Left me forgotten. To my father, I was nothing more than a HiME. A failure to his purpose. If I had been born male, I would not have carried the HiME mark. I am sure now, that he truly wanted a son, a figure of absolute strength.  
_

_Something that in his eyes, a woman could not be. Something a HiME would never be._

…

No class meant she had all the time in the world for personal endeavors. Her grades, unlike Takumi's, had never been an issue. The boy struggled relentlessly just to maintain an acceptable average, but even then, Akira knew he was behind in his classes. It wasn't because he was somehow profoundly stupid, it was that his illness had forced him to miss large chunks of school.

While he immersed into his books with diligence, Akira spent a great deal of her time at the gym.

Training hard was like an addiction. The only way she knew how to deal with stress. It was her protection against everything else in the world, a shield for the problems she couldn't fix. If she was strong enough, powerful enough, she could take down any adversary. The method behind the madness lingered even when she was spent, a lifeless husk of her former vigor. Lungs burning, sweat dripping down her brow, and muscles screaming at her to stop their unending torture, she sat on the weight bench.

Angry that she couldn't continue, annoyed that she felt so weak in the first place.

"Damn…" She muttered, smearing away the sweat that had collected on her face. The back of her hand glistened with the moisture. She could smell her own musk, slightly sweet and partly salty against her own nose. It was a distinctly feminine scent and irked her to the very core. She saw a shadow move out of the corner of her eye, but didn't even flinch.

"Ya know, Okuzaki, the kendo club really could use a guy like you on the team." A cocky voice said from beside her. "I see what you do to those kick boxing dummies. I know you're not pushover. I could put in a good word."

Akira rolled her eyes, that club was always trying to recruit her. "No thanks, I'm not interested." She told the team captain, Masashi Takeda. The kendo club was a constant thorn in her side, always trying to use her strengths to gain the club favorable turnouts. "I've told you before, I'm in the art club."

"Yeah, a club for pansies." He shrugged, seemingly uncaring about the importance of tact. He scratched the back of his neck. "I've heard of your family…I think your parents would be proud if you joined a more robust club."

At the mention of her family, her eyes narrowed. "If I joined kendo, I'd be lucky if I wasn't considered a disappointment to the Okuzaki name."

"What does your family have against kendo?" The man asked, as he cocked his head to the side. Confusion marring his face in his clueless pursuit for more members. "The academy is known for it."

"It's pointless, that's what." It was too much to name, too many reasons she could face ridicule. She didn't dare attempt to amuse his questions with kindness. Instead, she scowled. "If you know about my family, you know I've been trained in many forms of combat."

"I'll have you know kendo is a martial art, thank you very much." Masashi said arms crossed. "A great one at that."

"I'm not saying it isn't notable for others. I'm saying it's worthless to me." She wondered how much the upperclassmen knew about her, and she let that worry fester into her anger. "Aikido, judo, kyudo, jujutsu, ninjutsu. That's the scope of my training, some I'm well versed in, others not so much." She huffed, keeping as neutral a tone as she could, ending her sentences on lower notes when possible. "Kendo is nothing to my family, at least insofar as this academy is concerned."

"Come on man, all I'm saying is that you should give it a chance." He said, handing over a cold bottle of water. "There's a lot of potential in kendo. Universities will take you in on a scholarship, if you're good enough."

She took the water from him, an unspoken truce, little more. "Same goes for art class, and that's what I'm headed towards."

"That's a waste of a good opportunity." Masashi chuckled, finding the idea laughable at best. "Listen, you start training now, you're captain material. You could probably run the joint after I graduate. I've only got one more credit to make up from my academic probation, and I'm out of here. You're a total shoe-in."

Gulping deeply from the cool drink, she capped the bottle and sent him an apprising gaze. "Nothing doing." She said, tossing the half empty bottle of water in the recycling bin as she turned her back to him. "It's just not worth the time."

"Hey, kendo is a great way to pick up chicks, and it's a good wholesome sport." The black haired upperclassman went on to as he grinned from ear to year. "Though the general word on the street is that you don't go for girls anyway."

Akira grit her teeth, leaning over to grab him by the thin material of his shirt, yanking him nose to nose. "Is that any of your business?" If there was anything worse than smelling her own pungent odor after pushing her body to the brink, it was smelling someone else equally as rancid. "If I were you, I'd keep out of other people's lives."

His grip was stronger, and he easily freed himself. "Hey man, chill." He said, forcing Akira off of him. "I'm just sayin' that it's something you should think about."

"There's nothing to think about." Akira groused, ready to go on the offensive if she had to. "I told you my answer. Don't like it? Not my problem." They faced each other down for a moment before Akira turned her back. "Now back off." She cleaned off her machine with a disinfecting cloth and then headed out of the gym. She thought running back to the dorms would help clear her mind, but truth be told, more mental fog rolled in.

She wondered how long it would be before her gender got in the way of things. How long could she keep up the act? How far would she be able to go?

"Akira, slow up a bit." She heard the voice of Yuuichi Tate, and pulled back her sprint.

"Covering for your friend?" She accused as they maintained their new pace.

"I'm apologizing for him." He said with an easy going grin. "He didn't mean any harm by it, that's just how guys think."

Akira nodded, but that didn't stop the anger she felt bubbling in her gut. "Is there something you want to talk about." Furious at herself, and at the world around her, she heaved a heavy breath.

"Yeah, I kind of do." He wondered how long she would keep deceiving everyone around her. "Listen, you've got to be careful. You can't just go around picking fights all the time. Eventually it'll get you hurt. Guys around here won't keep pulling their punches forever." He knew the truth about her, and it ate at him.

"I'm the one pulling my punches." Akira sneered. "That buddy of yours is getting on my last nerve."

Tate bristled, not liking the implied threat. "You're a girl, you could act like one sometimes." Even though Mai swore him to secrecy for Akira's sake, he sometimes wondered if he should out the girl, exposing her for what she really was.

"Oh yeah, who died and made you king?" Akira shot back. "I can take care of myself." Relying on others was weakness afforded only sparingly. She considered that handful of people lucky to have that trust. Tate however, wasn't one of them. "I don't need you worrying about me."

He shrugged. "Someone has to."

"Yeah, well it sure as hell doesn't have to be you." She told him while running ahead, leaving him in the dust. He couldn't keep up with his knee the way it was, the old injury keeping him from the very club she scorned. Everything weighed on her, Masashi's grip on her wrist lingering in her mind, the words Yuuichi spoke were like an echo.

For now, she could take on most guys her own age. Her training and understanding of basic human anatomy kept her ahead of the game. However, that wouldn't last forever, and there would come a day when she simply wouldn't have enough raw power at her disposal. It was another strike against her, in ways she dared not amuse.

Skill could always overcome bruit force, but even that had limits.

Arriving at the dorms weren't a comfort either. It seemed like everyone looked at her. Akira hid in her room quickly, making a beeline for the shower as fast as she could, passing the siblings that had been going over something in the math book. "Hey, Akira, did something happen?" She could hear Takumi call from his place at the small table.

"Yeah, but I'm fine." She called over the heating spray. "Just a little sore from the weights."

…

__After the battle, I distanced myself from my relatives. I had my own life, my family had theirs. I was used to making boundary lines in my head. That was probably a product of my upbringing too. My training telling me to sever a weakness that would only serve to hinder my strength.  
__

_People are like glass, my father used to say._

_That they're weak and easy to break. Shattering yourself into a thousand bits is inevitable, it's how you temper yourself that matters. Being strong isn't just about being able to withstand anything. It's about putting the pieces back together after nothing remains. _

_My father was probably one of those kinds of people. Strong enough not to crack under pressure, tempered enough to take the heat of whatever life tossed at him. That was the kind of person I wanted to be. When I was little, I never told my father that I was in awe of him. The older I got, the less I began to tell him. I started to loath him and those eyes of his. I'm his kid by blood, but I'm nothing to him in spirit._

_Knowing that almost made me want to renounce my name entirely, and yet that training was a saving grace. I wonder, was that his idea of love?_

_Breaking me, to temper me into his image? It's a slightly comforting thought, even if it might not be true.  
_

…

After a long Sunday drew to a close, Mai was happy enough to settle in for the night. Her homework sat open and ready to be studied. The dishes lingering in the sink would have to wait until morning. Bringing a warm mug of hot chocolate with her to the table, she sat down and sighed. Mikoto was already fast asleep, even though the sun had yet to set.

Natsuki was getting ready to sneak out once again to visit her girlfriend. "Mikoto's such a lazy oaf." She muttered as she shook the sleeping girl that cuddled into the nest of blankets. "She has her own damn bed, what kind of idiot is she?"

"If I had to make a guess, I'd say the cute kind." Mai asked with a laugh. "Just leave her there, you know she sleeps like a log."

"Hell no, this is my bed." Natsuki growled dryly as she hoisted a sleeping Mikoto into her arms. She put the girl over on Mai's side of the room. "Keep your pet to yourself."

"She misses you Natsuki." Mai said with a shrug as she rested her head in the palm of one of her hands. "If you spent more time with her, she probably wouldn't try to do that so much."

"She irks me." Natsuki grumbled with a shiver. She could only take so much of the young teen, and even though she had a soft spot for her, it wasn't without it's limits. "I don't want her sleeping in my bed."

Mai just smiled. "She doesn't mean anything by it."

"That's the only reason I don't smack her. Anyway, she's going to get used to my absence pretty quick." Natsuki said then as she pulled out her weekend bag, even though it was Sunday night. "I'm going to spend the entire week with Shizuru, just this once."

"You know, Natsuki, if you sneak out too much I can't cover for you." Mai warned as she turned the page in her math book. "Yukino's not strict, but even she has to adhere to school policy."

"Yeah, I know. It's just that Takumi's not the only one with nightmares around here." Natsuki paused, holding one of her black shirts in her hand, a purple stripe down the shoulder catching her attention. Natsuki realized it was Shizuru's, and hesitantly ran her finger across it, frowning. "If I don't go, what other stupid worries will she have?"

"What about yours?" Mai asked without missing a beat. Natsuki shrugged wordlessly, and Mai let the matter drop. "Don't worry about it, Natsuki. Anyway, I'll cover for you during room checks if I can."

"Thanks, Mai." Natsuki murmured sadly.

"Sure thing." Mai whispered. "Don't mention it."

What was it like to die as a most important person? The end was something inexplicable for Mai. She had to sit back and watch the event several times, but had never personally experienced it. Her homework didn't come easy to her as she sat, pencil in hand, tapping on the page with a bored, agitated sigh. The sound of the bag being crammed to its full capacity pulled Mai from her thoughts.

Instead, she gazed over at Natsuki. The biker was normally cool and aloof outwardly. Alone though, in the privacy of the people she knew she could trust, there was a warmth to Natsuki that was as blunt as it was abrupt. How many times had Natsuki been at a loss for words, merely yanking someone into an embrace? Mai could count a few times when she'd experienced that simple wordless support, one favored by necessity over anything else.

Their relationship was a special one. They were best friends, but also, they were HiME.

Natsuki had not only been a HiME, fighting in the carnival head on, she was also a most important person, who shared the green speckled fate best left unsaid. Mai had never questioned what it might have felt like, never gathered the courage to ask. The boys in her life were happy not to say, and she didn't really want to know of their experience.

Natsuki was far enough removed…a very dear friend, but an experience that Mai hadn't witnessed with her own two eyes.

"That green spark that covers you…what does it feel like?" Mai asked Natsuki then. "What actually happens?"

Natsuki lifted her eyes from her underwear drawer, where she'd been looking for a few of her more questionable collection pieces. When emerald met violet however, Natsuki closed that drawer with force, coming to sit at Mai's side. Natsuki then looked at the floor. "I felt cold."

"Just cold?" Mai asked.

"It's complicated." Natsuki murmured, swallowing hard.

"Natsuki." Mai said, putting a hand on her friend's arm, squeezing gently. "I need to know. Don't make me ask someone else."

Natsuki nodded, and licked her lips. "It hurt a little, but not as much as I expected that it would." It was an easy thing to recall, holding Shizuru in her arms at the time. "I lost my hearing, then I just couldn't feel anything anymore." She laughed a little then. "It's kind of funny really, holding someone in your arms, knowing that you are…even if you can't feel it. I lost my sight, it went black…I'm assuming we got swept away from the blast before we could actually crystallize entirely."

"Do you remember anything after that?" Mai asked quietly. "An afterlife, God, or something?"

"Not really. If I had to find a way to explain it, I'd say energy. I don't really remember it." Natsuki said as she began to pull her hair up into a ponytail. "Based on the fact that we all came back, I don't think we were really dead. We were probably just sealed away or something." She stood from the bed, gathering the zipped bag and her bike helmet. "You can't bring people back from the dead, not even with magic."

Mai smiled a week smile, and nodded. "Yeah, I guess you're right."

"Listen, Mai…about Takumi…" Natsuki sighed as she fitted her helmet over her head to help keep her expression as neutral as humanly possible. "Don't worry about what he might have experienced." She hoped her eyes seemed as uncaring as she wanted them to be, but she knew otherwise. "He'll be fine."

"I wish I could say I believed that." Mai murmured weakly.

Natsuki didn't waver. "Honestly, I'm more concerned about Akira." She stayed stern, focused and resolute. She wouldn't relent, or let Mai worry. "She's the one who has to live with the guilt. Those nightmares of Takumi's may as well be her fault. She put him in danger the moment she started to care about him."

"Are you still worried about Shizuru?" Mai asked then. She handed Natsuki the leather jacket that was folded neatly on the table, waiting for the pain in emerald eyes to ease up at the mention of the woman's name.

"Do you really have to ask?" Natsuki sighed as she escaped the dorm room before another uncomfortable interrogation could begin. Those questions were hard ones to answer, and they made her flesh crawl. Her mind dragged over the very notion as she got on her bike and went to go spend a few days with the woman of her affection.

Of course she worried about Shizuru. She worried too much, about too many things. They consumed her sometimes, to the point that distraction tuned into fixation. As she pulled into Shizuru's driveway, she rolled her eyes she fishing the phone out of her pocket.

-_Every damn day, Mai…every damn day.-_

Sending Mai the text was a surefire way to earn herself another round of questions later. Natsuki looked up, watching Shizuru pacing back and forth in the living room, realizing those questions needed to be asked, even if there weren't any answers. Natsuki bit her lip, and closed her eyes, unwilling to walk into the viper's pit.

The shadows were longer than her feet could carry her, and turning her bike back on, she pulled out of the driveway.

…

_There are some things we will never know._

_We can search for the answers all we want, cold truth is that sometimes they just won't come. That's just the way it is, and it won't ever change. The best thing to do is to learn when to stop asking questions. When to live for your own answers, instead of the words of others. _

_I think, when you're young, you forget that. It's easier to shake an angry fist at the world, than it is to swallow your pride. Even if you can, that doesn't mean you're prepared to own up to the consequences. That's the problem with being young and stupid._

_You either learn that the first few times, or, you don't._

_…_

Some of the HiME were better off than others. All of them could agree that the memories lingered, and that even if it seemed like a dream, it hadn't been. Reality was something no one could avoid.

Nao wondered why she felt so conflicted. She was one of the lucky ones, gaining back her most important person and her life as she knew it. She could go back to being a regular spoiled teenager, a bratty kid from the inner city. She considered that if she gave it enough effort, she could get her grades back on track. She put her life the way she always wanted it to be.

Or, she could stick to her fears, and cling to her solitude.

In spite of having her mother alive and well, it was easier to do the latter. She never knew when life would decide to be cruel again, and her cynicism served her well. Liquor over soda, it was one choice she made. The room temperature liquid burned down her throat. She was too young to drink, but she did it anyway, sinking into the hazy calm that the whiskey induced. The sweetness of honey mingling with the deeper aftertastes of liquor.

"What's wrong with you, mutt?" The question was mixed with dull amusement. Lime green eyes and emerald meeting. "You don't come sniffing around here much."

"Only when I go looking for you." Natsuki said, sighing as she picked up the empty bottle at Nao's side. "Did you drink the entire fifth?"

"Uh, not in one night." The tired voice spoke, liquid venom and catty sarcasm thrown away, forgotten. "I know better than to get that blitzed."

"You did drink it though." Natsuki deadpanned, shaking the empty bottle to prove her point. "You're going to pay for doing that kind of crap around here."

"One night, maybe." Nao said while patting at her thigh. A knife sat there dangerously glinting, waiting to be used. "Tonight won't be it."

"The thought of it is bad enough." Natsuki told her. "You haven't been doing anything regrettable, have you?"

"Isn't your fucking business." She gazed over to Natsuki, seeing the way dark eyebrows slanted downwards. She cursed her bad temper, sighing as she let down her guard. "You don't need to worry. I don't trust the filthy bastards around here enough. They're gutter trash, all of 'em."

"Nao, come on. What are you doing in the red light district, really?" Natsuki couldn't believe her ears. "You know if you ever needed a place to stay, the dorm is always available."

"Screw the lecture, Mai hounds me enough as it is." Nao muttered, pulling tobacco from her pocket. "So, what's the matter with you? Did Shizuru go crazy again?" The cigarette was crumpled, but still usable. "If so, I'd nail her to the bed quick if I were you." She lit it, taking a slow drag, her words engulfed by the smoke. "She's the type to worry."

"Yeah, trust me, I know." Natsuki ignored the agitated laugh that hung in the air. Instead, she focused on the positive things she knew to be true. "She isn't going crazy, at last not yet. She's just having bad night."

"Worse than normal?" Nao asked, her cigarette dangling loosely from her lips. "Shit, well don't just stand there." She pushed over some of the trash that sat beside her, patting the ground as she took another hit. "Here, you need this more than me."

"Nah, I'm good. Besides, you know I don't smoke." Natsuki said, although she took the offered seat, pulling the unopened bottle of booze into her grasp. "I'll have this instead."

"Pussy." Nao muttered then as she looked up to the overpass, listening to the cars as they passed by. It was a busy road, so full of life. It was strange to think that no one thought about the people hiding underneath. "Shizuru still thinks you're screwin' Mai, right?"

Natsuki shrugged noncommittally.

"Uh-huh…" Nao rolled her eyes as she felt ashes hit her hand, smearing into nothingness. "What about me? She still has that in her head too, doesn't she?"

Natsuki swallowed hard.

"Your fault, you know." Nao said, an edge in her words. "If it were me, I wouldn't get tangled up with someone like that."

"She's afraid Nao." Natsuki told the younger girl with a shake of her head. "You know how that goes."

"Yeah…I do." Nao watched as Natsuki brought the liquor to her lips, slowly sipping the harsh contents. "Ya know, ya damn mutt, she's probably right." A sad, half laugh fell from her lips. Shizuru had a way with the truth, clawing at it mercilessly, torturing herself and everyone else. "In another time, we'd be good together, but fuck me if tonight's the night…"

"I know." Natsuki murmured quietly, feeling the weight of those words. "I stopped her from really killing you, didn't I? It's pretty solid evidence, and she never lets me forget it. She thinks that's reason enough to be in love with you. It's frustrating, because hat's just...well..." Natsuki searched for a word, coming up empty. "Twisted..."

Nao didn't argue, shrugging with a smirk, as if she agreed. "Those people…from that company…" Nao had always wondered about that, fearing how far Shizuru's possible carnage really went. "They never came back to life, did they?"

"No, they didn't." Natsuki hated herself for it. "You know, I wanted revenge, but I don't think I could have really killed anyone. Not like she did." Natsuki swallowed hard, pushing her long hair behind her ear. "Thing is, she can't get it out of her head. Even so, those people are the only proof that we were tied to magic at all. I don't know if you would have made it...if she had actually cut you down."

"Don't mind fuck yourself." Nao knew the answer to that just as clearly as Natsuki did. "You know I wouldn't have. Either way, didn't happen, so not a big deal."

"Yeah, I guess not." Natsuki wasn't entirely sure, Nao could tell.

"Love…what a bunch of horseshit." Nao muttered as she considered the word, not finding it to be of any use. "Only a fruitcake would believe any of it, and if you do, you're crazy anyway…but maybe that's okay too. Hell if I know." She watched the smoke that billowed from her lips, seeing it vanish before her eyes, just like everyone she remotely cared about. "Go on home, jackass." Thanks to her mother waking up, Nao had begun to believe that people didn't have to go away forever. "Just because I'm a stray, it doesn't mean you have to be."

Natsuki nodded as she pushed herself up and dusted herself off. "I know you probably won't listen to me, but stay safe. I didn't save your sorry ass just so that you could go off and get killed some other way."

"Oh, go stick your head between Shizuru's legs before she has withdrawal symptoms." Nao said with a roll of her eyes as she looked over to see that her new bottle of stolen whiskey was missing. "And don't make off with all of my booze!"

"You're too young to drink anyway." Natsuki called back over the roar of her engine.

"So are you!" Nao bellowed. "Dipshit!"

Natsuki drove through the city streets the way she came, heading to Shizuru's home. She prayed the sight would be different. That it would offer her some sort of better image, but the same one remained. The fawn haired woman sitting near the fireplace, waiting, worrying, and thinking about every sin she could not break free of.

It was a hard thing to watch, and Natsuki realized this was the reason she decided to stay over more. She bit her lower lip, feeling as if she was giving Shizuru's wayward emotions a crutch, and that wouldn't help her.

Only time would tell, but inaction would never solve a thing. Biting back a curse, Natsuki opened the front door. She waited for the impending tackle that never came, and worriedly strode into the next room. There she found the woman she loved watching the fire roaring, a blank expression on her face. Natsuki dropped her bag on the floor. "Sorry it took so long." Natsuki murmured.

No response came from the woman sitting there, lost in her own thoughts. Natsuki shook her head as she unzipped the bag, taking the bottle of amber liquid in hand as she went off into the kitchen looking for two shot glasses, finding none. She grabbed two regular ones. She put them down on the end table, before kneeling down to rest her chin on the armrest. "Want to tell me why you're sitting here like some sort of gargoyle?"

Unseeing crimson eyes focused on the woman in front of her. A quick blink the only thing to push away the images in her mind. Shizuru flung herself into that embrace, a broken woman, torn to bits by her own inward demons. Wordlessly, Natsuki held her. Weaving leather clad fingertips into fawn hair and sprinkling kisses atop Shizuru's forehead. Pulling away only slightly, she wagged the whiskey bottle in front of crimson eyes. "A gift from Nao."

"You went to see her again?" A clear pain cut through Shizuru's voice, darkening her accent.

"Yeah, and you know what she told me?" Natsuki murmured quietly as she pulled Shizuru closer to her again. "That I should make love to you, and that I should stop making you worry all the time. She doesn't want you to worry either. Not her, or Mai."

"How can you possibly bring yourself to tolerate me?" Shizuru asked shakily as she buried her face into Natsuki's shoulder. "I can't even tolerate myself."

"You will." Natsuki assured her quietly. "You just have to learn how."

"I don't think I can." Shizuru admitted, nipping the inside of her cheek to keep from saying anything too bothersome. "It's probably impossible." She knew it would only upset Natsuki, and that was the last thing she wanted.

"Maybe it is." Natsuki relented, as she opened the liquor bottle, pouring a little into both glasses. "You're the only one who really knows the answer to that, but we HiME, we've got to stick together." She handed Shizuru one of the glasses and then took the other for herself. Draining it once before refilling it again, she steadied herself. "I'm not going to give up Mai and the others…but I'll put them aside for a little while. You're my first priority, Shizuru, I want you to understand that."

"Then why did you go to Nao, of all people?" Shizuru asked, her real question buried deeply between her words.

"Believe it or not, you need me to need them." Natsuki said, taking another deep drink of the liquid. "They're the only two people far enough removed to slap the stupid out of me." Then Natsuki grinned. "Mai would do it too, if I ticked her off enough. Came close to it today, I think."

"Nao didn't actually tell you to make love to me." Shizuru said sadly. "There's no way she could support something like this. The damage I've caused her, I'll bet she rejects it."

"She doesn't." Natsuki said, knowing that to by the truth. "No one really thinks that, not even Yukino."

"Not outwardly perhaps, but there is such a thing as saving face." Shizuru wasn't convinced that anyone could really accept her, and found herself to truly care about that. Her only fear was that Natsuki would abandon her. "Maybe they're right, I know I ask too much of you as it is."

"You assume too much." Natsuki scoffed, having the sudden urge to drag Shizuru back out into the world. She fought down that yearning to the best of her ability. "See this is why you need to get out more." Natsuki murmured, lifting an arm, putting it around Shizuru's shoulders. "Nao did tell me that...well, she told me to stick my head between your legs. That's about as romantic as Nao gets."

Shizuru wasn't much of a drinker, but she lifted the glass to her lips taking a small sip, wincing at the taste. "My word…" She coughed, her throat burning. "How on earth can you two drink this? It's terrible."

"People make that assumption about a lot of things, doesn't meant it's true." Natsuki shrugged, putting her empty glass on the table.

"It's bad." Shizuru murmured, rejecting the rest of the drink on the table pointedly. "Trust me, there must be something better out there."

"Point is, I think it's good enough. As long as I think that, then that's all that really matters." Natsuki said as she took a drink from Shizuru's still full glass. "Don't worry so much, Shizuru, I'm not going anywhere."

…

_Resolve is a strange word...one that I think falls flat most of the time. Back then, was a very good example of my weaknesses.  
_

_I was getting angrier about tiny things, and that just frustrated me all the more. I knew better, I had trained harder than that. Forced myself to realize all the small differences between men and women. I tried to master masculine traits, keeping a stoic front. The more I did it, the more I felt like I was pressing my back into a wall._

_I don't know why I felt that way. Being considered male felt so natural, normal, and comfortable. Whenever Tate or someone else made me feel like the girl that I was, I felt kind of sick…wrong and misplaced. My gut would twist in ways that made me hate myself, and I would push myself further to cast aside that feminine identity. Thinking that way made me feel foolish, but I didn't know what else to do._

_I had no way to explain that to Takumi, so I didn't._

_…_

Some things were familiar and welcome, even when they were equally terrifying.

It was true that the boy was her most important person, and that she secretly felt safe in his arms. She wouldn't admit that out loud, but thankfully, he wasn't the kind of guy to look for praise. He often avoided it, feeling unworthy. His fears of that were unfounded, Takumi tried hard every day to be strong for the people around him. He even succeed when people needed him to the most. That's why she cared about him the way she did.

He was a good guy, and if he stayed on the right track, he always would be.

Takumi was so likeable, most girls swooned over him. Even the older, more experienced high school girls thought that he was cute. Many even teased him, waving and him, or winking whenever they happened to see him pass by. Akira tried not to let it bother her, and Takumi blushed and diverted the attention as soon as he possibly could. Between the two of them, they attracted quite a bit of attention, and the fact they were always together stirred the pot.

As a result, they were coined the cutest gay couple on campus…an assumption that strangely, Takumi was starting to embrace in a weird sort of way. It was almost as if he was proud of the murmurs that echoed in the halls a little too loudly.

Akira felt strange, as if allowing him so close made her weak. She knew that Takumi was just a normal teenage guy…and that most guys started to think about girls at his age. For a doting person such as Takumi, that fact came to the surface more and more. He belonged with a mild mannered girlfriend, one that would appreciate his never ending kindness. Someone who would support him, and welcome his affections.

Instead, much to Akira's confusion, he stayed by her side. She was a far cry from the type of girl he needed. "Takumi, don't you think this is kind of strange?" Akira murmured as she found herself resting on the dorm roof, looking up at the stars.

"What's so strange about it?" Takumi asked, as he put an arm behind his head. "Don't tell me you don't like heights."

She loved heights, he knew it. That could never be the problem, and it was a useless excuse. Instead, it was the way his nearness made her feel. It wasn't entirely comfortable. It felt heavy, full of promises Akira wasn't ready to make. He smelled liked the cookies he baked earlier. The sweetness mixed with spicy deodorant, a contrast so great it was like a rift.

He was oblivious to it, but Akira was acutely aware of just how close the two of them were. "This…" Akira said, gesturing between the two of them. "This is weird. We're supposed to be two guys, and guys don't look up at the stars like we're doing."

"Gay ones do." He said with a shrug. "Think of it as living up to the hype."

"I'm not gay." Akira grumbled, instantly sitting up to push herself away.

"Well, not really anyway." Takumi laughed. "You are actually a girl…so, I mean I guess that would be kind of weird." It was the truth and little more. He didn't think anything of the tensing in Akira's shoulders, or the way she bristled at his words. "I think we should just go with it…let them think what they want to think."

"I would, if what they thought didn't involve the guys around here." Akira mentioned with gritted teeth. "They're posturing around like idiots. Eventually I'm not going to be able to keep up this ruse."

"So, then, we'll just tell them the truth." Takumi shrugged. "That you're a girl, and, you just like hanging out in our dorm."

Something about his statement irked her. It felt like the tip of a knife's edge, cutting into a sore spot in her life. Instead of trying to figure out that out, she retorted. "Because that doesn't make me seem like some sort of closet pervert." She shook her head clean of that suggestion, not wanting to amuse it. "Anyway, even if they think I'm gay, it's not like I'm completely okay with it."

"But you do let them think that way." Takumi reminded her. "Even if it is for the best…we're bringing that on ourselves."

"I know, I know, but there isn't a better alternative." In fact, Akira had thought about that long and hard, her choice unwavering. "If there was one, I would have done it years ago." She sighed, confused…unsure how to make him understand. "Anyway, this thing between the two of us…it's just strange…it feels off, somehow."

"More strange than riding on the back of a gigantic frog?" Takumi grinned.

"Toad…and freakishly, yes it is." She growled. "What if someone sees us?"

"Akira, come on, who's going to see you from up here?" Takumi asked as he tugged a little on her red hoodie. "It's just us."

"You'd be surprised." Even so, he was important to her. "It's not just us. It's everyone around us too." She had thrown away everything for him, everything except what she truly wanted to be. "Takumi…I'm…I don't think I'm normal."

"I don't think many people can say that they're a trained ninja, Akira." Takumi said with a laugh. "Or, is this about the other thing?"

"I wish it was about the other thing." Akira said with a shake of her head as she pulled her hand away from the warmth of his. "Takumi, you should be with a normal girl, don't you think?"

Takumi's brown eyes lingered over her. His gentleness was inquisitive, trailing along her form. "You seem pretty normal to me…besides as long as you and I are happy, who cares what everyone else says, right?"

"Yeah…" Akira agreed hesitantly. "I guess."

Takumi put an arm around Akira as they rested side by side, the air cool to their faces, nipping their noses. "I was lucky. I came from a warm family. Mai's the only proof I have left of that, but the memories I have are good ones." He sighed, wondering what his next words might provoke. "It seems like yours aren't. You always have this gloomy cloud hanging over your head. I wish it wasn't like that."

Like always, he was genuine, she could clearly feel his anxiety in his breath. The rise and fall of his chest a little uneven. "I dunno, Takumi. Family is a weird thing to me." She lifted her amber gaze to his, finding it strange that he waited for her to speak even now. "I don't really feel like talking about it."

"Then you don't have to." Takumi shrugged. "But I wish you wouldn't push me away either. Please don't act like everything's okay if it really isn't."

His gentleness was overwhelming. She couldn't take it. "Takumi, worry about yourself." The order was something she doubted he would take seriously. "I'll be fine."

…

_That's a hard age…_

_People say it all the time, it doesn't really matter how old someone is. They just toss out that phrase, as if it's a solution for everything. I can't count how many times I've heard it. Each time though, I can't help but feel like it's a weak excuse. Instead of offering something a little bit more tangible, they just shrug their shoulders. Every time that happens, I get angry. I guess my youth comes flooding back to me, but that doesn't change the truth._

_It's a hard age?_

_No…no, it's not a hard age. It's a hard life. Life hurts, it sucks, but that's life._

_At the time, we were all starting to realize that, in more ways than one._


	3. Chapter 3

A/N: Sorry for the long wait on this chapter, shoulder had me forced into taking a break. Back in action now, but this chapter is shorter than the others. It kind of had to be, given that I need to get used to typing two handed again. Got to love it! (Not!) Anyway, hope you enjoy this chapter.

* * *

**Metamorphosis  
Arc 1: Truth, Lies, and Assumptions  
Chapter 3**

**Ages for main cast:** Akira Okuzaki 12, Takumi Tokiha 13, Mai Tokiha 16, Yuuichi Tate 16, Natsuki Kuga 17, Shizuru Fujino 18, Nao Yuuki 14, Reito Kanzaki 17, Mikoto Minagi 14.

* * *

_Even though I'm not exactly a family person, I like to think I'm not a cold person, either. More or less, I turned out alright. That's what I want to believe. Everything I did, I did for a good reason...and that those reasons were my own choices. Sometimes, it would have been easier to just give into pressure, but I didn't.  
_

_ Whatever it was that drove me back then, I can't really say. It became a fact worthy of ambiguity. There just came a time when I didn't have to figure things out anymore…that, I no longer needed to…but, that was a road long traveled._

_I didn't walk it alone..._

…

All students were to be in their homerooms for the start of the new semester's orientation by eight in the morning. Naturally that meant the dorm rooms were a buzz before the sun could even rise. While many students chose to sleep in, or gather in the cafeteria, there was one room on the third floor that had plenty of ruckus going on. Although Akira knew Mai had gift for impromptu gatherings, she hadn't expected such a party to be in full swing so early in the morning.

"Here you go. Don't worry, there isn't any lemon in it." The carrot topped woman said, ruffling her little brother's hair as she set a cup of tea don in front of him.

"Honey?" The boy asked, receiving a nod.

"Always." With a wink and a grin, Mai was off to gather more food for the table. "What's the good of having tea if you don't make it sweet enough to drink?"

"All of that sweet stuff will rot his teeth." Akira sighed as she sat down at the table in Mai's dorm room.

"Here's yours too Akira." Mai merely replied as she gleefully set the cup onto the table in front of Akira before going back to fussing over the stove. "No honey in yours, I promise."

"Better not be." Akira said, taking a cautious sip. It was delicious, as usual, and she could already taste the caffeine dancing on her tongue. "It's good." was the only compliment she gave as she set the mug down and finally started relaxing.

Just then, the bathroom door opened, revealing a wet haired Natsuki, just out of the shower. It wasn't the first time she was thankful to already be in her uniform. "What the hell?"

"First day of the new semester." Mai shrugged as gestured to the group around her. "Come on and have a seat, breakfast should be ready soon."

"Don't sit by me, Mutt." Nao grumbled with her usual acerbic calm. "Not in the mood to deal with you today."

"Then get the fuck out of my dorm room!" Natsuki barked.

"Shut-up, before I beat you with a shoe." Nao shot back. She poured some whiskey into her mug when Mai wasn't looking, sending Natsuki a grin as she hid the flask.

"Hit me once..." It was a low, dangerous growl. "Just once Nao...make it a good one."

"Nao hush!" Mai ordered firmly as she set down a pitcher of milk. "Natsuki, sit…and both of you be civil."

Natsuki complied, albeit reluctantly, as she put her hair back up into its towel to keep it from getting her uniform wet. "You know, if this keeps up, we're going to need a bigger table."

"Speak for yourself." Nao growled from the corner of the room. "The pup and brat I get, but I don't know why you two are even here in the first place."

"Mai makes the best breakfasts." Takumi said with a grin. "You have to admit, her pancakes can't be beat."

"Never mind the pancakes." Akira muttered as she poked Takumi's shoulder. "You need more than that kind of stuff in your gut." She turned to Nao then, a soft scowl on her face. "As for why we're here, Mai is Takumi's older sister, and her meals are better for his heart than the cafeteria food."

"Speaking of, why are you here so early, Nao?" Takumi asked pleasantly. "You usually only come around for dinner."

"None of your damn business, twerp." Nao growled as she crossed her arms.

With a firm glare aimed in Nao's direction, Natsuki sent an elbow flying into her ribs. "Don't be a jerk."

"I was hungry." Nao amended, between clenched teeth. "That a good enough answer for you?"

"I'll bet that she ran out of cafeteria stamps until next week." Natsuki said oblivious to the murderous gleam sent her way by forest green eyes. "You know, mine are in my drawer. I don't use them, so you can always mooch off of those."

When a loud pounding came at the door, Mai dusted her hands off on her apron to answer it. Mikoto came charging in with a basket of warm rolls and Yuuichi followed close behind with disposable silverware. Wordlessly they set the table and waited for the serving plates to go into the center. Mai's usual spread was as tasty as ever, but silence wasn't to be had, nor was a peaceful breakfast.

Bickering ensued at every turn.

If it wasn't Mikoto and Yuuichi arguing over Mai's attentions, it was Natsuki and Nao arguing about bad habits. The only pleasant conversation to be had lingered between Mai and Takumi, who spent their morning planning a picnic for later in the week. Akira quietly observed while she occupied herself with her own meal, sending sideways glances to the combatants, and the seemingly oblivious siblings.

It went on like that for a while, until a weight fell atop Akira's head. "I don't know what you're thinking about, but maybe you should stop."

The sound melodic sound of Mai's voice brought Akira's sight into focus once more. "It's nothing." Akira muttered as she ducked away from that warm touch. "Besides, you shouldn't touch me…it's weird. It's like I'm some sort of animal or something."

"Better than actually being the group mutt." Nao grinned, only to have to dodge a sideways punch.

"If you don't cut that out, I'm going to beat the crap out of you." Natsuki finally sighed. "What is it with you and the insults, anyway?"

"If you have to ask, then you haven't been out in the streets long enough." Nao hissed back, a deep anger lingering in her eyes where it hadn't been before.

"Guys, stop." That was it. The final straw that cut the banter as two sets of equally shocking, yet vastly different colors of green found Mai's stern expression. "No more fighting. No more insulting each other, it's the breakfast table."

"What's that got to do with it?" Mikoto asked as she shoved a fork full of egg into her mouth. "Everyone always fights."

"I don't like it." Mai went on to say as she put one arm around Yuuichi and her free one atop Mikoto's head to ruffle her hair. "I don't know about all of you, but Takumi and I were raised better than that."

"I wasn't raised." Natsuki muttered lamely, a shared look at the far end of the table bringing down the mood.

Nao didn't say any words as she leaned back, crossing an arm over the other. She gave Natsuki a sideways glance and then bit her lip. "Not even worth it." She decided as she looked back over to Mai, feeling the heated gaze on her skin. "Okay, okay...we get it...stop with the damn look already."

Mai merely went back to eating, her voice cool, but her words stern. "The breakfast table is the one place you don't have to argue." She eyed everyone carefully around the room, lingering on each and every one of them. "There's been enough fighting as it is, don't you think?"

…

_There's something about a warm meal on a cold winter evening, or, the taste of beer during a barbeque. It's that same something I feel when I'm around Mai and the others. I'm thankful for that feeling...I don't say it, but I am, just a little bit…  
_

_Anyway, true to form, of course, Mai's speeches never really lasted long among the group. Everyone was back to their own opinionated arguing before anyone had even left for class. I didn't mind, although, I did miss the feeling of Mai's hand on top of my head. It wasn't as if I actively searched for her approval, but, having it freely offered was strangely calming._

_Maybe, it was because that warm feeling was something I had always wanted, and waited quietly for._

_ Maybe it was because I pushed that desire away from myself. Who knows for sure, I certainly don't…I have better things to do with myself now. Things like, having that beer and finishing the latest comic for this week's deadline. Those are the little things that become important as you get older, alongside the people who truly matter._

_Everything else is moot, pointless until specified as otherwise…Mai and Takumi taught me that._

_…_

Working hard was her motto. Work hard enough, put forth enough effort, and eventually you'd see a return for your effort. It was a lesson instilled into her at the earliest age by her parents. Mai wholehearted kept that faith alive, even while finding herself in the middle of a stuffy kitchen with a backlog of things to do. It was better to keep busy anyway, seeing as she had to earn herself a paycheck, one she could gleefully slip into the savings account if everything went well.

"Mai, when can I have a snack?" Mikoto chirped as she perched on the older girl's back.

"When I'm on break." The redhead sighed, having lost count of the robotic number of responses that slipped past her lips. "Grab me another plate would you."

"You're a waitress." Mikoto murmured as she did as she was told. "Isn't this a cook's job?"

"Well, it should be, but one of the new short order cooks is out sick." Taking a candy from the bowl nearby, she handed it to Mikoto, who took it gratefully. "It's important to take care of your own, as they say. Besides, you know I don't mind working the kitchens."

"I don't mind when you do either, but it sure get's lonely in the dorm." Mikoto murmured, looking at the green sucker with mild fascination. "Mai, what's going to happen when you graduate?"

"I don't really know, but that's a long way off yet, Mikoto." At that, with a level of ease that came only after immense practice, she swung Mikoto around to her front, and put the girl down. "If you do the dishes that are in the sink, I'll make you a sundae after."

"Can I go sit with Chie when I eat?" Mikoto asked then.

"If she's not studying, then yes." Mai smiled as she watched the young teen, still feral by nature, as she bustled about the small workspace washing and disinfecting dishes that waited to be tended.

It was then that Aoi came around to the back, her own amusement playing on her lips. "You should take a break. I can work the prep-counter for a while. The mid-day rush is almost over anyway."

Mai shook her head. "No, we need you out waiting tables."

Aoi sighed. "Mai, go sit down before you work yourself into a fit."

"Aoi, I'm fine." Mai said quietly as she turned back to work. Dicing up all sorts of different vegetables according to the instruction sheet taped up to the wall. "Besides, you're still a waitress in training. You should be following Akane around and learning by her example."

"Well, I would…but Kazuya just got in." The admittance caused Mai to put her knife down, sneaking a peak out to the counter, where the young man in question was busy clocking in. "You know I can't keep up with both of them." As usual, the two were meant to be, a perfect duo when it came to their work, and their relationship.

"Yeah, no kidding." Mai said, sharing the perverse smirk that Aoi shot her. "Well if he's in, you're free to clock out. This was your day off anyway."

"Well, that may be true, but you still look tired." Aoi laughed as she leaned on the wall. "At least let me help keep Mikoto out of trouble."

Mai thought about it for a moment before finally nodding. "Take my school bag with you. There's cafeteria stamps in there if she gets hungry."

"What about you?" Aoi asked as she went to the back room to grab the leather case. "Want me to leave some, just in case?"

"I've got a date." Mai told her with a wink. "I'll be late, but Mikoto can fend for herself at the dorm."

There was too much work for her to linger in her thoughts for too long. As she pulled another peeled potato from basket she was using, she only briefly glanced up. It felt a little strange watching Mikoto leave the restaurant with Chie and Aoi. Of course Mai was thankful for the reprieve, but, it didn't stop the fact that Mai felt as though she was more often a burden than a true help.

It bothered her, so much in fact that even Yuuichi had started to notice.

At first he'd said nothing, but there came a time when even his own silence was forced to come to an abrupt end.

Hand in hand as they walked, he wanted to bridge the gap. Yet, in spite of his desire to do so, the effort was something far beyond his kin. Nervously, with a soft voice, he found himself at odds yet again from those violet eyes. "Look, I know I'm not the nicest guy around…but if there's something bothering you…you can tell me."

"Nothing's bothering me." Mai said radiantly, that perfect little smile set into its usual place. "Everything's right with the world."

He squeezed her hand a little, wordlessly trying to offer support. "Not everything." He said it quietly, afraid she might actually hear him. Somehow, without even realizing it, they found themselves wandering towards that little park that they both managed to frequent. "If you say you're okay, then I'll just have to believe you."

"It's easy to forget, you're not one for pep-talks." Mai laughed a little at his indignant grunt. "Thank you, for not making a big deal out of it."

The golden haired man shrugged, dropping a few coins into a hot chocolate machine, pulling the insulated can out and handing it to her. It was a strange little tradition when he thought about it. The gesture started over a rainy day, cold coffee, and shared admissions that now seemed so far out of reach. He bought a can for himself before sitting down next to her. He wasn't a man of many tender words, but, if she was thankful for that, he wasn't going to ask why.

Instead, he popped the top to his can and drank from it. As they watched the night pass them by, he found himself more tangled in his thoughts about her than ever before. "There isn't a big deal to make..." He finally said with a sigh. "If you don't want to tell me, I can't force you."

She was a strong woman, filled with her own set of hard earned ideals. He wouldn't admit it outwardly, but the first time he saw her cry, was the first time he came to realize the truth. There was a real tender spirit under all of that bluster of hers. Her heart was always on the cusp of breaking entirely. He was compelled to wonder what would happen if Mai simply gave up one day. If she decided she no longer wanted to put forth the effort into her life.

He wondered about that, because it was a thought he once considered for his own future.

Especially after an injury to his knee left him alone to his own thoughts one too many times. Again, uncomfortably, he gulped from the can in his hand before setting it on the ground beside him. "Hey Mai, did you…uh…did you want to come back to my place tonight?" He asked as he put his hand over hers.

"It's nine at night, the room checks for the dorms are probably over by now." Mai murmured quietly. She had clearance to be out late because of work, but the same didn't hold true for Yuuichi. "I'm sure that Yukino would overlook the attendance if I didn't come back at all tonight. She's really lenient when one of the HiME sneak out. I don't know how it is in the men's dorm, but you probably have a strike on your attendance record. "

At that, the man could only grin. "Kazuya's been appointed dorm leader for the guys, but with the way Akane sneaks into his room all the time, he has no room to talk."

"Akane has?" Mai beamed, finding the tidbit almost too funny. "I never realized they were…" She trailed off, a blush coming to her cheeks. "I mean, it makes sense. I just didn't think Akane would actually do something like that."

Yuuichi shrugged. "Reito overlooked a lot of things. Always said that the ambitions of men should be rewarded."

"He would say something like that, wouldn't he?" Mai sighed as she leaned into her boyfriend. As her eyes slipped closed, she took comfort in his warmth. "I know what you're asking me." She told him as she took his hand in his. "I just don't know how to answer that. I've never actually been with anyone like that before, and to be honest, I don't know if I'm ready for it."

"It's not like I've been with anyone like that either, Mai." Yuuichi said quietly as she gripped her hand more firmly, letting his thumb trace over her knuckles.

Mai finally sighed. "It's not that I don't want too…something like that is a risk I don't have the luxury to take right now. If I got caught by the school board, I'd be under dorm suspension until the end of the semester. I'd be forced to quit my job." Rolling it around in her head, Mai finally bit her lip and turned to face him. "Yuuichi, listen…I know that Takumi wants to be more independent, but until he becomes an adult, he's in my care."

"Yeah, I get that…" Yuuichi murmured.

Mai shook her head. "Don't do that…"

"Do what?" He asked, feigning a smirk.

"Act like I'm pushing you away." Mai could feel the discord, tangible in the air between them. "That's not it at all." She wondered how best to explain, coming up short. "In two more years, I won't be allotted government funding for my livelihood. That means that our income will be more than cut in half. With medical debts, I'm going to have to find another job right out of high school. I won't be able to even go to university, so the best I can hope for here is honor roll. I can't jeopardize that by sneaking into an off limits area."

"Hey, no pressure." Yuuichi said as he pulled her into a hug. "It's not like it's a big deal. I was just thinking out loud, that's all."

…

_No matter how you look at it, there was a veneer of joy we were all too willingly ready to put on over our true feelings. If we could all act happy, we would eventually become happy by default. That was the hope we carried._

_Strange logic, but there it was._

…

Another week of Takumi's rehab program drew to a close, and so with it came a few days of relaxation. It was something they all sorely needed, more than any of them wanted to admit. Gathering themselves in the middle of the track field was just another way to whittle away the hours of a boring Sunday afternoon. Some of the gatherers chose to make a spectacle of themselves, but even that was expected.

An unspoken rule that simply had to be met, just like a river eventually had to flow downhill no matter what.

Mikoto hit the ground hard, tumbling with both Tate and Nao on top of her. A moment later, another shout echoed through the field, and Reito picked up the ball. "That's not how you score a goal." He chided as he dusted off his sister. "Ball's in play!" He shouted, tossing the rugby ball over to Tate. "Skins have it."

"God damn it Mikoto!" Natsuki bellowed, as she flicked her long hair behind her shoulder. "Defense damn it, defense!"

"See! This is why you don't let someone who's impotent decide on the plays." Haruka ranted with her hands on her hips.

"I've been saying that about the mutt for years." Nao sighed with a shrug.

"I think she meant incompetent." Natsuki groused, giving Nao a hard shove as she passed the redhead by. "Jackass."

"Still the same thing I've been saying for years." Nao laughed, only to dodge a punch.

"Lay off, we've got a game to play." Natsuki snarled as she turned to Haruka. "And as for you, think you can do a better job, you be the damn captain!"

Those that chose to spectate the event shared a look at this revelation. It wouldn't be long before Natsuki regretted the decision. Mai and Takumi held their breath as they watched Natsuki take a full blown tackle from Takeda. The two of them went spiraling down in a heap, knocking Nao down along with them.

"How long do you think they're going to keep at it?" Takumi asked from his place by one of the large coolers that kept refreshments and snacks.

Akira lifted her eyes to the skirmish before shrugging. "They'll get tired sooner or later." She mumbled to him. "They always do."

"Yeah, but I mean before someone throws the first punch." Takumi added as he winced.

"Natsuki already took a swing at Nao." Akira returned with her usual bored droll. "Come on, you've got to be used to this by now."

"This isn't what I'd call relaxing. Maybe I should go break them up." Mai said worriedly as she watched the feral girl brush herself off after being tackled once again, though more gently by her older brother. "There are nicer games to play."

"Nice games? Get real." Akira wondered what that would could possibly have to do with the group playing contact sports.

"Well, I do have a deck of playing cards." Mai offered, but even her brother shook his head at that suggestion.

"Nao would find some way to antagonize someone." Takumi said then with a shrug. "Either that, or Natsuki would make Haruka eat those cards…"

Mai merely sighed as she considered forcing the group to wear helmets when Haruka was the next to go down, none too gently at that. "One of us should go talk sense into them before they kill each other." She gave Shizuru a sideways glance. "I hope someone brought the first aid kit."

"Leave them be." Shizuru said as she removed her sunglasses from her crimson eyes. "It's been cold recently. I can't remember when we had such a sunny day." With her usual elegance, she crossed one long leg over the other and reclined back on the chair that she insisted to have. "Besides, you know just as well as I do that trying to stop it now will only result in more fighting later." She took the time to motion to her purse, where the kit in question rested underneath it.

Mai looked up to the sky, where the clouds were happily making way for the sun to warm the air. It was still cool enough to require a jacket, but no one could dispute that the crisp air felt invigorating. "Yeah, I guess." Violet eyes drifted to where some sort of strange game of tackle football and violence mingled with a shouting match and obscene laughter. "You know, it's strange…" Mai began conversationally at best. "I'm used to Yuuichi posturing, but Natsuki usually doesn't get involved in those antics…and Haruka too, today."

Shizuru merely cleared her throat gently, uneasily taking the bait out of politeness alone. "Haruka was provoked into it by Reito, but that's no surprise." When her eyes lingered over her lover for a moment too long, she sighed. "You're right about Natsuki though, she usually avoids being the center of attention at all cost."

"Well, I wouldn't say all cost." Mai said with a smirk, laughing more to herself than everyone else around her. "I'd say she's come into her own now, at least a little bit." She paused to watch Mikoto ran away with the football, both teams chasing her down before she could get up a nearby tree. "Natsuki has a reason to do stuff like this now, and she'd never had that before."

"We haven't had a reason to either, until recently." Takumi added as put his hands behind his head. "I missed having days like this…"

"Me too, Takumi." Mai murmured to him. She let her eyes wander to the woman once again sitting quietly in the chair. It was as if Shizuru excluded herself on purpose when Natsuki wasn't at her side. The silence wasn't comfortable. Lingering pretenses came to the surface, though they went unspoken. "You should come by the dorm more often."

"I really don't see any reason to do that." Shizuru answered back. "Besides, we all have our studies to worry about, and university is not nearly as forgiving as high school used to be." It was only half an excuse, but, it was enough to put up a barrier. "I don't have nearly the free time that I used to, and, I don't foresee that to change any time soon."

Mai was used to the cold shoulder, but what Shizuru didn't expect was that Mai found such icy temperaments. "You know, you could just tell me to leave you alone. If I piss you off that much, at least I'll know."

Crimson eyes shot to violet, catching sight of a knowing smirk playing across Mai's lips. "You don't do anything of the sort." Shizuru replied, a slow confusion plucking at her. She sat up with a frown. "I believe you have the wrong impression, Mai."

"No I don't." Mai said with a small laugh.

"I'm afraid that you do." Shizuru corrected again, this time a bit more sternly before her expression softened. "It isn't that I'm angry at you, or anyone else for that matter. It merely isn't my place, that's all."

"It's okay, I get it…" With a soft, easy going sigh, she leaned forward, her eyes drifting to Yuuichi. "Natsuki's the first person you've ever really felt comfortable around, and you don't want to lose that." Her own love-life was nothing to write home about, but, she was happy all the same. "It gets complicated because of who she is…I know that, because Yuuichi is the same way."

"She is complicated." Shizuru agreed simply, finding a wall she hadn't expect to fall. Easily it came crashing from around her. "She is also unbearably loyal, and incredibly withdrawn." She suspected it was because of Natsuki, the woman was so easy to speak of. Having her relationship acknowledged by someone else in such a pleasant way was like a breath of fresh air. Shizuru smiled in spite of herself. "Even so, I often can't help but wonder what goes on in that head of hers."

Mai nodded, she was well acquainted with Natsuki's abrasive tendencies. "It's not easy…if they would just open their mouths in the first place, we wouldn't have to worry." At that, she turned to Shizuru. "But they don't say a word, so we do worry because it's in our nature…and, because we love them."

"There is nothing wrong with silence." Shizuru murmured then. She loved that side of Natsuki too.

"No, there isn't." Mai agreed as another shouting match broke out. "However, it's nice to see them get loud and boisterous too…then at least, we know what they're thinking."

"In Natsuki's case, her actions have always been clearer than her voice." Shizuru couldn't count the times the woman made herself flustered over silly little things. "However, even then, she often remains a mystery."

Mai nodded in agreement. There was no question about it. Natsuki had her reasons for many things, and those reasons were her own. She often didn't explain them if she could avoid it. "It's just as well…I guess...Yuuichi puts his foot in his mouth too, more often than not. It's endearing when he's lost for words." She noted before a long stretch of time passed, no more truths shared between the two women who were occupied watching their respective lovers.

Unusually good moods kept their spirits high, even though Nao looked less than thrilled to be joining on the games by force. As three watch alarms went off at the same time, Takumi sighed in spite of himself. "Don't even say it." He muttered with a roll of his eyes as Akira and Mai sent him a beseeching glance. Pulling out his medicine case, he searched for the right pill.

"Takumi!" Natsuki's voice called out from the field. "Take your blood thinner before your sister freaks!"

Brother and sister exchanged glances, as Takumi shook his head. "She has one too?"

Wordlessly Shizuru raised her hand to eye level. Pushing down the long white sleeve of her blouse, she found herself amazed yet again at the strange sort of unity that bound them all together. Sometimes, it truly seemed absurd. "I honestly thought that she was joking. She said everyone had them, but I assumed that was merely an excuse to have matching watches."

Mai, for her part merely pushed away the twinge of surprise she felt at that. "Well then, it's official. Welcome to the family, Shizuru."

Crimson eyes fell to the tiny numbers on the face of the watch. It was idiotic, surely, but the apparent significance wasn't entirely lost on her. "This has got to be one of the most ludicrous things I've ever heard of." It was hard to suppress the smile that it brought just thinking about it. "It's childish to say the least."

"The very least...honestly, it is kind of stupid." Akira said as she went back to her drawing. "But it makes them happy, so whatever…"

"Whatever indeed…" Shizuru said as she returned to her view to Natsuki, watching the woman who strangely enough, in spite of her yelling about just being pushed down into the mud, couldn't appear happier.

…

_I should have been more thankful for those pointless little moments..._

_Complacency has a place in this world too, for all that we choose ignore it…then again, ignorance in general has a way of being advantageous. I found that to be the most true when adolescence struck hard._

_I began binding my breasts when I was young. The moment I started to think that they were the least bit noticeable, I went out of my way to hide them. They were the first real giveaway I had to look out for. As a child, my training gave me a good bit of power over most of the guys, so acting the part was enough for them. I knew that wouldn't be the case forever though, not with a woman's chest sticking out of a male school uniform._

_It would be unsightly to say the least...but binding soon became the least of my issues...I wish I would have thought of the other problems sooner.  
_

_…_

Akira bit her lower lip nervously. "Physical education…" She murmured, not in the least bit amused with her class line up for the newest semester. "You've got to be kidding me." She tossed the packet of assigned classes onto the far end of her bed with a curse before going back to folding her laundry. "I'm so screwed…they're going to find out."

"It's mandatory, right?" Takumi asked, watching Akira nod reluctantly.

"I'm not going to be able to get out of it either." She muttered disdainfully. "If you wanted, you could probably get a doctor's note, but I'm not that lucky. Since you're on blood thinner, maybe you should sit out."

"I don't want to be stuck in the bleachers." Takumi said with a shake of his head. "Besides, the exercise will be good for me. There aren't any contact sports in gym, so I should be okay."

"I don't know Takumi…" She hesitated as she pulled one of her long bandages from the basket, slowly rolling it up to store it away in the drawer. "The coaches are pretty rough on the guys during the warm-ups."

"I'll be fine, I'm sure of it." He said more firmly this time.

At her worried glance, he leaned over to get a better look at Akira's schedule. "At least we're in most of the same classes."

"Core's the same, since we share the same home room." She groused with an exasperated sigh, still worrying about the locker room conduct and how she would get past the next year. "Seating assignments are also the same."

"Yeah, but it looks like you have wood shop as one of your electives." He checked his elective class list, a bit of relief flooding over him. "I've got home economics. Finally, something I won't fail spectacularly."

He was right about that at least, it would be an easy grade for an equally easy class. Akira wasn't entirely sure about the more important classes, as he always seemed to struggle through most other subjects. As he sat with his math book in hand, one of his worse subjects, she could see his efforts in studying just hadn't paid off as much as either of them would have liked. She frowned as considered what that might mean for him down the line. Her future was assured by family name, should she choose to go such a route. Takumi didn't have such luck at his disposal.

Hiding her worries was the easier thing to do. "You suck at math."

"I know, I know." In his unflappable way, he folded the new semester packet he'd been given. Stashing it away in his bag, he returned to his studies. "With any luck though, I might be able to get a hard C, or something like that."

Akira shook her head. "Not with those chicken scratches you won't." She was no math expert either, but, she was far more advanced than Takumi, at least when it came to book work. "You need to ask someone who's better at math than Mai is."

"I'd ask Natsuki, but she's busy with her own work." He shrugged, a smirk still on his face. "I least I know I'll ace health, and since we have biology this year my science grade should be okay."

Akira rolled her eyes at that, but she was thankful for the distraction. "You've spent way too much time in bed watching the educational networks…"

"Maybe I have...but it was either that or go insane." He said as he wrapped his arms around her, resting his head on her shoulder. "It'll be fine Akira." He said quietly, softly enough that she could barely hear him, even so close. "No one will find out the truth."

She wanted to believe him, but, doubt still lingered.

_…_

_I knew, eventually, I'd have to step up my game. I decided to start packing next, something that seemed strange to me at first. I'd toyed with it once or twice before the first day of middlescholl, but gave up on the idea when Takumi became my roommate._

_I knew though that if I was going to be in a sports class, I had to do something, so I swollowed my pride about it. I was going to be switching my pants for shorts around other guys, so, I needed some sort of realistic bulge down below. _

_Long complicated mess short, I did it with a jock strap and a tightly rolled up length of cloth. I stuck the cloth between the elastic folds, where the cup should go. I hid the whole thing beneath my underwear. It was a temporary solution, but one I planned to use as long as it would last._

_It wasn't like anyone with half a brain was going to look between my legs anyway. I always went into a stall, or waited until I got back to the dorm to use the bathroom..I won't lie though, every day, i felt more and more anxiety well up within me. It all came to a head though __right before my thirteenth birthday._

_Regrettably, I encountered what one could only call the start of womanhood as I knew it...I started my cycle.  
_

_Suffice to say, it was torture._

_…_

"Takumi? Oh my God, what happened?" Mai asked frantically, sitting her brother down and tending to what looked to be a black eye. "Are you alright?"

"Yeah, I'm fine." He winced, squinting his ailing eye closed. "Akira kind of freaked out earlier and flung one of my housekeeping magazines at me."

"Beat the shit out of you, huh?" Nao laughed. "Serves you right. What did you do, see her naked?"

"Shut up, now isn't not the time." Natsuki barked at the vicious redhead. When she looked at Takumi's right eye, she had to be impressed with the mark on his face. "Even so, talk about good aim." She went back to studying. "I should get her a gun."

"Natsuki Kuga, don' you even dare!" Mai said, turning to Natsuki. "No guns Natsuki. Not in this dorm, and most certainly not around Takumi or Mikoto." With a sigh, she took her brother's chin in her hands. "Oh, Takumi look at you…"

"Sis, come on…" He said, pulling away from her and shaking his head gently. "I think I caught her off guard." He took the ice wrapped in cloth from his sister, holding it up to his face. "She apologized before locking herself into the bathroom. It's been two hours and she hasn't come out. She won't let me in, either."

"What exactly did you do to freak her out?" Mai asked with an upraised eyebrow.

"I don't know, but she shouted from the door to go get Natsuki. That's why I'm here." Takumi shrugged then as he leaned back, getting more comfortable. "Not the first time she's kicked me out of our room. Although, I've got to say she's been acting strange recently."

"She's not one to get violent without a reason." Mai said, scratching her head. She grabbed Takumi by the chin again, studying his eye more carefully. "And you say you've done nothing to provoke her into doing this?"

"No, nothing." He said with a shake of his head. "All I did was cross the line she has set up across the floor. It was like stepping on a land mine or something. She never does things like this."

"Hey, I give her credit." Nao shrugged. "If you crossed a line I told you not to touch, I'd do more than just throw a book at you."

Natsuki, who was nose deep in her history book looked up from her spot. "Mai, you thinking what I'm thinking?"

Mai nodded. "She started her period." She looked over to her brother then, knowing he already was well aware of what that was. Having an early bloomer as a sister, and no mother in which to guide her, had given the siblings plenty of exposure to just such random crises. "This is probably a stupid question, considering, but she's never complained about that before, has she?"

Takumi shook his head again. "No, and there's never any of those weird paper wrappers or plastic things when I take the trash out."

"First one is usually really light anyway. As she opened up one of her bed side drawers." Mai shrugged, as she thought about that. "These won't do…I run heavy, Natsuki do you have anything for light days?"

In disbelief that Mai asked so openly in front of a guy made Natsuki blush. "Uh, I think so." She went into the bathroom, checking under the sink. "Yeah, I've got some."

"Problem solved then." Mai said with a grin as she cleaned up the study materials from the table. "Do you want me to handle it, Natsuki?"

Natsuki shook her head, almost shuttering at the thought. "Are you kidding, she'd probably throttle you." Instead Natsuki grabbed her backpack, pushing her books inside. "Not all of us want one of those 'you're a woman now' pep-talks."

"Right, because you're the image of femininity." Nao said with a roll of her eyes. "What are you going to do, tell her all about the birds and the bees?"

"Hell no." Natsuki shuttered at the mere thought. "I was going to slide the stuff under the door like a normal person."

"Has she even seen a tampon before?" Nao laughed.

"I don't know, Nao." Mai said, with her hands on her hips. "Have you?"

"Jesus...okay guys, that's it for me." Natsuki sighed as she rolled her eyes and slung her backpack over her shoulder. "I'm ditching out, I'll be around whenever."

Mai turned back to her brother. "As for you, Takumi, let's go see the school nurse. I want to make sure you're not concussed."

"Better get the kid some condoms while you're out." Nao called after the siblings. "Wouldn't want him to knock Akira up, now that she's got the red."

Natsuki ignored the horrible images that Nao evoked within her mind as she went over to the guy's dormitory. She always hated the smell of the place, finding it reeking of everything she hated about men in general. A footlocker came to mind, as she bypassed rows of shoes and slippers that sat along the wall.

She made her way past the common areas where a few of the boys hooted in her direction. completely ignoring them, she made a beeline for the room on the second floor that belonged to Akira and Takumi. She knocked, but there was no answer. Reaching up, she found the spare card key just above the door frame.

"Hey, Akira, are you decent?" She asked as she peaked her head into the room slowly, finding that the door to the bathroom on the other end was shut tight. She took that as her invitation to let herself in. Loudly enough to let her presence be known she made her way to the bathroom, unzipping her backpack. "If you want we can always hit up the store later." She said slipping both a pad and a tampon underneath the small crack in the door.

She'd let Akira decide what to use.

After a bit of rustling and the sound of a flush, Akira opened the door, her eyes empty and void of even their usual distant brilliance. "I don't feel like going anywhere." She said bitterly, running a hand through her hair. "I'm so screwed."

"Ah, don't want to blow your cover…" Natsuki rolled a thought around in her head as she stood there awkwardly. "Uh, if you tell me what you want, I can just run down to the corner store and get it for you."

"I want this fucking thing to go away." Akira murmured, hiding her eyes with the palms of her hands, her voice thick with rage and desperation. "This isn't supposed to happen, not like this."

"You're not sick, are you?" Natsuki asked then, arms crossed. A mild socked played across her face.

"That's not what I mean." Akira said as she looked down at her body. "This…all of it, there's just no way. It can't be happening to me." With a huff she shook her head, looking down at her black shirt, and feeling ill. Ker unbound chest clearly marked her as a female. "What am I going to do looking like this?"

Natsuki rubbed her forehead, at a loss. "You could move in with us. Technically the rooms are made to hold four. The beds stack."

"I can't." It was such a quiet murmur, it hardly carried even in the silence. "I don't want that."

Natsuki bit down on her lower lip, her own confidence dying in her throat. She wished Mai was here to somehow remedy the thick air around them. The off-putting sensation was enough to stifle any words of comfort. "Hey, look…we can figure this out later." Natsuki said after a few more tense moments passed her by. "Right now, I'm just going to go up to the corner store and get you a few things to last the week."

"Don't." The bed creaked when Akira stood up. "It'll be fine, I'll just deal with that later." She muttered, forcing away any insecurity she might have had. She was determined to let it linger in her mind, instead of on her face.

With her back turned, Natsuki closed her eyes and let a small smirk slip onto her lips. "There are people you can count on. I had to learn that the hard way. Don't make the same mistake."

"I've already made that mistake." Akira admitted harshly. "I won't make it again." It was a hard steel that laced her voice, an edge that was not unlike a blade. "I just freaked out, that's all." Sharp, pointed, and like that of a mirror, reflecting all that it could rend. "I don't like being reminded of what I am."

"A HiME?" Natsuki couldn't help but laugh. "I don't think any of us do." As she nodded her head towards the door. "Come on, there's an extra helmet in the bike's compartment."

…

_It wasn't just my power, or the lack of it. _

_Truth be told, that never really bothered me in the same way that it did the others. What it represented did...but that was something that came down to the same angry struggle. Girls and boys, women and men, and all of the differences between the two._

_I didn't say anything to Natsuki. I didn't know how to explain it, but our friendship was based on that. We were reliable people, joined by mutual worries that weren't easily explained. Often times, those things went unsaid. So, because of that, I followed her to the corner store...but I didn't actually go up to the counter._

_She did it for me._

_And all the while, I knew she had other things…other people on her mind. People she had to protect, just as I kept trying to protect Takumi._

_…_

Natsuki groaned as she rolled over onto her side, hissing as the bite on her shoulder stung. The pillow under her head was fluffy enough to stifle her curse, and as her fingers ran over the bruised flesh, she recalled just how she had acquired such a wound in the first place. Cracking an eye open, she saw the fawn hair of her lover cascading over the woman's bare chest. Her lips parted only slightly as even breath slipped out from them.

The image contrasted so desperately with the possessive crimson eyed stare from just a few hours before. The tangled embrace a mix of love and lies, deceit mixing so erotically with truth that it pained the both of them. Want and need so dire it had ripped from Shizuru the softness of her voice.

A heated purr left in its wake, burning any ounce of mercy from her once more. She promised never to doubt the love they shared between every heated sigh.

But, Natsuki knew the truth.

Shizuru doubted every second of it. Wondered at every kiss, even when those kisses were set aflame by passion. Dubiously, with every touch, she offered one of her own. Uncertainty clouded her quaking voice, and in the end she clung onto her prayers. Shizuru feared that she was not strong enough to put the past behind her.

She couldn't stop thinking of herself as total and complete monster. It was a nightmare that woke her often...but thankfully this morning she slept soundly, a peaceful dream perhaps. Natsuki hoped beyond hope that was the case.

She could never be sure.

She couldn't bear to see the woman wake again with tears in her eyes. She dreaded the mornings when Shizuru found herself trapped in a voiceless scream. Such moments were far worse than any physical pain. It was so different than any bullet or knife wound Natsuki could ever dream of. Such a pain wasn't something sopped away with a bandage, or numbed by pills.

Shizuru had tried, many times, and had failed every single one of them.

Try as though Natsuki might, she couldn't absolve any of what they'd done. There was no quick fix for acceptance, merely time itself. Time, and a whole lot reminders of why forgiveness had always been there.

"How long are you going to pretend to be asleep?" Natsuki asked quietly, pushing fawn hair behind the shell of her lover's ear.

"However long it takes for you to stop worrying about me." Shizuru answered, unwilling to open her eyes. She knew what she'd see in those deep pools of emerald. It was the same thing she always saw after they made love. "I'm fine, Natsuki." She said as she rolled onto her belly, hiding her face in her pillow. "You have class soon, don't you?"

"Well class is starting soon." Natsuki said weakly. She wanted to reach over, brush away those fawn bangs and see those blood red eyes. "I don't plan on going." Even so, the most she could muster was to lay her hand on a bare shoulder, praying that the brush of her thumb was enough encouragement to chase away the shadows.

"If you don't go, it'll be an unexcused absence." Shizuru retorted, lifting her face to regard Natsuki. "You promised me that you'd keep your grades up this year. That you wouldn't get distracted again."

"And you promised me that no matter what, above all else, you'd trust me." Natsuki murmured. "My grades are fine Shizuru, but you…." Natsuki sighed, pulling the covers back over both herself and Shizuru. "You aren't…" Natsuki couldn't deny it. It still felt a little strange to come to terms with her emotions. It felt weird to let herself get swept away by something that was as ambiguous as love. "I can miss class, but I can't have you doubting me like this."

With a long sigh, Shizuru shook her head, and forced a smile. "I have my own studies to attend to." She said as she brushed off the worried look Natsuki gave her. "With that being said, dinner might be a little late tonight. Since I don't have the time to dawdle, neither do you. Go to class, Natsuki."

…

_It was only a year…really…_

_A year of change…nothing huge, but, it stirred so deeply that none of us could catch onto it._

_The seasons went by, and we all clutched onto the future we thought was the best for us. In doing so, we might have gotten lost along the way. It seems so obvious now, but back then, the little things slipped right on by. _

_We were none the wiser. _

_Maybe, if Shizuru could have learned to trust herself more, she would have had more faith in Natsuki. Maybe, if Mai would have focused a little less on Takumi, she would have seen her relationship with Yuuichi dwindling. Maybe…just maybe…if I would have been honest with myself, I wouldn't have hurt everyone like I did in the time after that…_

_They say middle school is when you wave goodbye to your childhood and you begin to greet adulthood…but, childlike wonder was something I let go of way before that. We all had, in some way or another. _

_I'd like to believe that if we all had clung to our innocence…we would have been happier in the long run…_

_Either way, it's pointless to think like that, and…I'm happy now. I guess, in the grand scheme, that's the only thing that matters. Even so, I'll never forget the lesson that year afforded me.  
_

_Be happy for the mundane, you lose those little moments way too soon._

_I guess Mai rubbed off on me after all…Natsuki too…and Takumi._


End file.
